Friends are super fly.

I love getting advice from this friend. She never disappoints.

"Then let the eye screwing begin and reap the benefits... The last time I got eye screwed was by a guy in a wheelchair at Costco and there were no benefits... So cash in for all of us that got nothin' from the eye screwing..."

Insults should be written in sand (and on blogs).

I am pretty sure that I am a likable person. I had no idea that there was a person in this world that didn't like me until I was 16 years old. Don't get me wrong, I knew there were people who didn't care about me. They didn't like me, but they didn't dislike me. I was pretty confident, however, that if they got to know me, they would, indeed, like me. I do not mean that I am so wonderful that everyone loves me. (Even though I am pretty wonderful.) What I am trying to convey is that I make effort to be a good person, and to be considerate. I want to understand people and I enjoy hearing their stories. I laugh at people's jokes and I know I am a great audience member. I am not fake and will state how I am feeling and what I am thinking if it is appropriate to do so. I am diplomatic in my responses. I believe most people respect that I am genuine in my actions and as a result, they like me. Plus, I am a bad ass mo fo.

Totally hard core.

You know how people are teased when they are younger? Elementary and Middle School are notoriously rough for bullying, teasing, and name calling. Yeah, I didn't get any of that. You know how people are harassed and mocked by older siblings? Yeah, I didn't get much of that either. They were always super cool to me and let me hang with them and their friends.

This is me with my older sister, Ashlee.

And this is me with the older brother, Robert.

They still let me hang out with them

I will admit that there is a strong possibility that people did say mean things to me... and that I laughed thinking they were joking. I realize this now due to increased self realization. I am older and wiser. I am more observant of my past and present worlds. I now see that when people say rude things to me, I do laugh.

A specific event made this trait more clear now than ever before. The other day, I was having a conversation with a certain gentlemen. I am undramatically calling it, "Literally the meanest thing anyone has ever said to me." This title is preceded by and ended with laughter. The comment he made was not intended as a joke. It was only after my reaction that he realized telling me that he will not be sad when I die is considered, by the vast majority, to be an insult.

I was trying and trying to think of mean things that have been said to me in the past to compare this to. Being as I think everyone likes me, I did have to solicit help from friends who thought of some quips that I had long forgotten. (Do you see how optimistic and forgiving I am?)

• "Bitch." A kid at work called me this after I caught him in a lie. He said he was sorry about 5 minutes later. He came back to the facility THREE times to say hello, apologize to me, and assure me that he did not actually think I was a bitch.

• "Jaime keeps giving me so much F*cking attitude." Also said by a kid at work who did not get her way. And I thought it was really, really funny. We celebrated the day she turned 18 years old.

• "A friend of mine and I agree that you have told yourself and everyone else so many times that you're the most popular person in school, that you're starting to believe it. Your head has gotten too big for your body. Please deflate it as soon as possible." Have you ever had to break up with a friend? This was an email I got after I had to do such a thing. We just couldn't handle the drama she was bringing to the table. She also accused us of being a cult... which was awesome.

• "Maybe you should go buy some more feminine clothes." Said by my mother. Based on my reaction she followed it up by asking, "Why is everything I say an insult?" To which the older brother responded, "I don't know mom...why is it?"

• "Don't be such an idiot." My dad said this to me when I was 15 years old. I probably was being an idiot. I told him that I liked his positive parenting style... I am such a smart ass.

• My cousin frequently calls me a bitch and tells me to shut up. I am pretty sure he is kidding though.

• "You seriously aren't married yet?! What is wrong?!" There is one particular person who is consistently disgusted that I am not married. He comments about my singleness with a pure condescension that has been unmatched by any other. Hilarious.

And now, here I am. 30 years old. Just doing my best to be a good person. I am conversing with someone who, I thought cared... even if it was only a little bit. And BOOM! It is out there. He would definitely not be sad if I died. I didn't ask. I wasn't fishing for anything. He was not trying to be funny. He just spit it out there like he was saying hello or telling me the time. I was shocked. I had my "I am super shocked but it is kind of funny" face on. I proceeded to inform him that his comment was, perhaps, the rudest thing anyone has ever said to me. He didn't even apologize or try to take it back or anything. Totes rude to the max, right? I guess I need to respect the honesty, at least.

I too am once, twice, three times a lady.

He expressed some worry that I would relay our conversation to others. He had concern that I may not tell the whole story. Or, perhaps, that I would use his comment out of context... Now does that sound like something I would do...?

The girl with the orange sunglasses.

When I first moved back to So Cal, I went to this gas station near my house. The worker inside the store said, "I like your shades." I turned around and looked at the guy behind me because I didn't think he was talking to me... not so good with the eye contact... He laughed awkwardly and said, "No. No. You. I like your sunglasses." I said, "Thank you" because I am totes polite to the max, and I went on my merry way.

Since this particular gas station has fountain drinks for $1, it has become a favorite place to purchase my drug of choice, Diet Coke. It takes a close second to McDonald's where they have the BEST Diet Coke ever. It is so delicious. I do not know what they do to it... but I hope they never stop.

I like cold beverage

Over the next few weeks when I went inside the convenience store he would comment, "The girl with the shades." Or something in the like. I would say hello, ask how he was. And that was all.

One day I came out of the store and he was parked, sitting in his car. He yelled, "Hey!" Getting my attention. I said, "Hey there... sweet ride." Because he was clearly very proud of his mode of transportation. It seemed really awkward and contrived, but whatever.

This is pretty much EXACTLY what it looked like...

Over the months I have seen him here and there and we have had polite, superficial, meaningless conversation. "Hello. How are you? Weekends off are good." Lame, pointless stuff like that.

Which brings us to today... Today I went into the store to purchase a delicious Diet Coke. I mixed a small amount of Diet Dr. Pepper in it because it kind of tastes like Ironport (I'm anemic.) Today I asked how he was doing. "Well, other than being hungover, I am good." I started talking about how Thursdays are a prime night to go out and do things. He agreed. He told me that he likes to start his weekends on Thursday and sleep it off on Sunday. I told him that I was recently in San Francisco (good times, by the way.) I mentioned that we were out on Sunday and there was a lot going on. Chocolate festivals, Autumn Moon Festival, live music in the streets. He commented about San Fran always having stuff going on. He mentioned that he really liked it there. I thought, "This is the most interesting conversation we have had to date." He must of thought so too because he took this as a green light to have the most "interesting" conversation we have had.

My instructions for this picture were "broken body"

He began talking about one of the reasons he likes going to San Francisco. There are a lot of gay people. I said, "Yeah, that's true. There are." I continued, "I am sure people thought my sister and I were a lesbian couple because we had her baby with us. I caught tourists filming us a few times." This quickly turned into comments of women making out with one another and how much he enjoys this. Then he spoke of his love for hot lesbians and watching them... aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand the creepiness comes out...

How did I respond? I laughed of course.

People thought we were the cutest modern family.

Ashlee, Brando, and I

I am not sure how we turned to this topic so quickly. I am not sure why he felt a need to share this information. I mean, I could have guessed... it did not need to be spelled out to me. Who will I never be going to San Fran with? You guessed it, "The Asian Guy at the Mobil Station." (Yeah, no idea what his name is.)

Friends are dirty.

I read this text out of context and it made me laugh.

"It's dirty and you can hardly tell anyway."

It reminded me of Uncle Jerry. Good ol' Uncle Jerry.