Yeah Boyeeee.

It was my birthday in August... yeah... I am a Leo... and yeah... I AM bossy... and yeah... I am awesome... and yeah... I let my wild mane fly free... but that is beside the point. My birthday was fantastic for so many reasons. Good times with good people.

I will write all about my birthday in more detail later. It has taken me so long to get anything posted about my fabulous dirty 30 because it was so epic. I need the time and attention span to sit down and give it the attention that it deserves. But I decided that it was time to, at least, give a preview. So here is a preview to what was the best birthday ever... until next year's...

Yeah... I was pretty excited...

I love how he says that he can't let her video him. Amazing.

More details to come... and the details are goooooooood....

Pickup strategies.

There are two men, who undoubtedly have a routine they have conjured up where one is the pursuer, the other the wingman. Their tactic? Talk about the approached woman as if she isn't there. I do not recommend this strategy. Unless your goal is for me to have no respect for you... then rock on.

One man walks over to me, offers to get me a drink, and begins a conversation. About 2 minutes later, the the other man approaches.

Guy 2: "Hey, she is really beautiful, man."

Guy 1: "Yeah yeah.... the kind of girl who knows she is fine."

Guy 2: "So how long have you guys been dating?"

Guy 1: "Whoa whoa whoa! We just met! We are not dating!!"

Guy 2: "Oh, sorry man. The way you guys were talking... it just seemed like you have been dating for a while."

Jaime: (laugh) "No no... definitely NOT dating..."

Guy 2: (Turns back to Guy 1) "Wow. That hair. I mean, that hair makes me think she might be crazy."

Guy 1: "The hair? Have you looked at those blue eyes? There is something behind those blue eyes. I am not sure what it is."

(This is when I take my cell phone out and begin emailing someone I would rather be talking to than either of these tools. I wasn't listening to what they were saying. When I brought my attention back to them, they were still trying to decide what was behind my eyes.)

Jaime: "Is it scandal? Because I have been told scandal resides behind these eyes."

Guys: "No, no.... it isn't scandal..."

Jaime: "What about mischief? I have heard mischief. I have also heard that I am just happy. But I think it may be that I just don't give a shit about any of this."

Guys: (not phased by my saying that I do not care) "No... its not any of those things."

Guy 1: (Turns back to Guy 2) "I can't quite figure it out. But I can tell you that what she has behind those eyes scares me and it makes me nervous."

(This is when I laugh and lose interest. I walk away, because I don't want to be rude and interrupt the quality conversation they are engaged in.)

http://www.ephemera-inc.com/

Men, this may work on some girls. And my guess is that these women are insecure, not very smart, or possibly super super bored. (It's okay ladies... sometimes we get bored... and sometimes we make mistakes in this boredom... I support you and I love you.) I can guarantee this never works because it is a smooth strategy to woo a lady. You know your tactic sucks when I can't even tell who is the one hitting on me and who is the wingman. And you really know your methods aren't working when I am hopping off of my stool, walking away from you, and I am not sure how long it took you to notice.

(Later I talked to the person that I had emailed during this debacle of a pickup. I told him portions of the story. He agreed that there was, indeed, something behind me eyes... my brain. Now THERE is a smart compliment.)

Dude has a girlfriend.

Dudes with girlfriends LOVE me. I don't even know where to begin with this post...

This pattern began about a decade ago. I had no idea what was starting that first time I was lied to about the existence of a significant other. I had no clue what had begun the first time it was commented that I held some sort of accidental power over a man. That first time was confusing and kind of painful. (That's what she said.)

Since that initial girlfriend incident there have been several times that I have found out that the man pursuing me is a man that is spoken for. It happens to me so often, I can only assume that there are many occasions in which the dude hitting on me had a girlfriend and I did not find out about it. It happens so frequently that I think I can go ahead and begin to assume that if a man is hitting on me, he most likely has a girlfriend. The odds are in favor of me being the other woman.

I will attempt to explain how the debacles usually go down.

Boy meets girl. Girl decides she will grace boy with her presence and attention. Boy is grateful. Boy comments that there is "something about" the girl. Boy says to girl, "You have a power over me." Boy talks of vague things like magic and not being able to help himself. Girl asks for clarifications. Boy gives more vague statements.

Then one or more of the following happens:

Girl sees boy with another girl.

Girl meets another girl.

Girl sees Facebook posts written by another girl that sound like things boy says to her or sounds like things only a girlfriend would feel comfortable posting on FB.

Girl is a honey badger and immediately asks boy, with a smile on her face and in no way confrontational, "Do you have a girlfriend?" Boy always says no. Girl asks about certain other girl in question. Boy continues to deny the existence of a girlfriend. (Now I have gotten smarter with all of my experience and I have learned that it is all in how the question is asked. Now after I am told, "No I don't have a girlfriend!" And given the, 'Bitch, you be crazy' look-- I have a follow up question other then, "Ya sure?") Girl now asks, "Is there a girl in this world who thinks she is your girlfriend?" For some reason this question is usually answered honestly... I don't understand it... but it works.

As it would turn out, my scandal draws in these assholes. The question is, Why? What is it that I put out there that says, "If you have a girlfriend you should definitely hit on me." I have asked the actual dudes this question... but I just get the "you have this glow" and "there is something about you" bull shit fed to me. My theory on why they give this as a reason is that it removes blame from themselves and puts it on me... just one girl's opinion.

I have asked several friends their ideas on why this happens to me so often. I usually get a lot of compliments in their response, which is awesome because I love compliments. But I don't really see how these things would specifically attract those guys that are supposedly spoken for.

Here are 3 possible theories that are not mutually exclusive:

1. I laugh at their jokes that their girlfriends don't laugh at anymore.

2. I accidentally attract what I can't have because then I don't have to do anything about it.

3. "You are just cool hotness" (this is the one phrase I chose to use in lieu of all the complimentary theories that my friends gave to me. I felt these 5 words summed up the collective conversations.)

I am completely open to alternate theories. I am open to ideas on how to alter what I am putting out there (other then my T&A... I will not stop putting that out there...)

There is that part of me that feels bad for the girlfriends. But then sometimes the girlfriend finds out about me and still ends up marrying the dude... kinda hard to have sympathy for that. I am self centered enough to think that when they are telling their "Love Story" I am the harlot that nearly broke them up.

He is perfect in every way.

It has been nearly a decade since a few of my friends and family and I began playing, "He/She is perfect in ever way but..." It was New Year's Eve and we were in Salt Lake City walking the snowy streets. The older brother kicked it off when he asked my friend and I, "Ok... he is perfect in every way but he only wears a tuxedo." We had some clarifying questions, of course. He CAN take the tuxedo off, he just chooses not to. He wears it everywhere. He wears it to school, to work, to workout, to swim. He always wears a tuxedo. Also, it needed to be clarified that he has various tuxedos so he is fresh and clean and not a smelly, nasty debacle. Baugh and I both agreed that if he was perfect in every way but only wore a tuxedo, we would still be all in. As I asked questions, I was having trouble finding the downside, really. For me, his wearing a tuxedo made him all the more amazing...

There were actually quite a few scenarios that I was presented with where my response was, "I do not see the downside."

After this question was posed for the first time, we became slightly obsessed with seeing what were deal breakers and what were not. The qualifying questions are always really entertaining to me, but also serious business. There have been dozens of situations presented, but I have a favorite that stands out in my mind above all others. My friend asked my cousin, "She is perfect in every way but she thinks that Bruce Lee could totally take Chuck Norris." This turned into a Bruce Lee vs. Chuck Norris debate that was epic.

It is years later and we will still call/text/email each other and say, "He/She is perfect in every way but..." This game actually made me realize that there are a lot things that I would be totally ok with if all other conditions were positive. But I think if he smelled like soup, I would be out.

Below are some of the various ideas I have been presented with and my answers. Remember, I asked questions and made very educated and informed decisions. This is serious business.

He is perfect in every way but...

he only wears a tuxedo.

(Yes.)

he chooses to walk backwards and only backwards.

(Yes.)

he is homeless.

(Yes.)

he sleeps in a coffin.

(Can't do it.)

he is a douche bag.

(Nope.)

he is a white guy but speaks with a fake Indian accent.

(Yes.)

he only communicates with you through song when you are alone.

(YES!)

he wears an eye patch even though his eyes are fine.

(So, perfect in EVERY way. Yes please.)

he sells Mary Kay, not ironically...and drives the pink car.

(I'm out.)

he updates his FB status describing every moment you have together, but only non-sexual moments... make outs are fair game though.

(No thank you.)

he only asks you out by text message and calls you dude.

(An extremely hesitant Yes... to the texting... I don't care if I am called dude.)

he wears a Groucho mustache and glasses while making love--i.e. you never ever have sex without his wearing it.

(After much internal debate, Yes. If he is perfect in every way he will still be attractive with said props.)

he shimmies every where he goes.

(This is straight out of my dreams. Hells yes! I love a good shimmy.)

he doesn't laugh when he thinks something is funny, he cries.

(I like to laugh way too much. No.)

he ends his sentences with "over" like he is talking on a walkie talkie. And he won't hear what

you say if he hasn't said "over" because it is like he is still pressing the talk button.

(Boom. I'm in. Over.)

he informs you that his favorite movie is Crossroads.

(No freaking way.)

It really is good times. Every once in awhile I hear of someone being enlightened about this game... and then they throw out something serious... and that is just awkward. Come on people, lets not kill the game with something like, "He is perfect in every way but he is a different religion from you." BOOOOORING. A better one would be "He is perfect in every way but he refers to all of his shoes as Jesus Sandals" (I would totally be in on this one, by the way.)

Friends are super fly.

I love getting advice from this friend. She never disappoints.

"Then let the eye screwing begin and reap the benefits... The last time I got eye screwed was by a guy in a wheelchair at Costco and there were no benefits... So cash in for all of us that got nothin' from the eye screwing..."

Insults should be written in sand (and on blogs).

I am pretty sure that I am a likable person. I had no idea that there was a person in this world that didn't like me until I was 16 years old. Don't get me wrong, I knew there were people who didn't care about me. They didn't like me, but they didn't dislike me. I was pretty confident, however, that if they got to know me, they would, indeed, like me. I do not mean that I am so wonderful that everyone loves me. (Even though I am pretty wonderful.) What I am trying to convey is that I make effort to be a good person, and to be considerate. I want to understand people and I enjoy hearing their stories. I laugh at people's jokes and I know I am a great audience member. I am not fake and will state how I am feeling and what I am thinking if it is appropriate to do so. I am diplomatic in my responses. I believe most people respect that I am genuine in my actions and as a result, they like me. Plus, I am a bad ass mo fo.

Totally hard core.

You know how people are teased when they are younger? Elementary and Middle School are notoriously rough for bullying, teasing, and name calling. Yeah, I didn't get any of that. You know how people are harassed and mocked by older siblings? Yeah, I didn't get much of that either. They were always super cool to me and let me hang with them and their friends.

This is me with my older sister, Ashlee.

And this is me with the older brother, Robert.

They still let me hang out with them

I will admit that there is a strong possibility that people did say mean things to me... and that I laughed thinking they were joking. I realize this now due to increased self realization. I am older and wiser. I am more observant of my past and present worlds. I now see that when people say rude things to me, I do laugh.

A specific event made this trait more clear now than ever before. The other day, I was having a conversation with a certain gentlemen. I am undramatically calling it, "Literally the meanest thing anyone has ever said to me." This title is preceded by and ended with laughter. The comment he made was not intended as a joke. It was only after my reaction that he realized telling me that he will not be sad when I die is considered, by the vast majority, to be an insult.

I was trying and trying to think of mean things that have been said to me in the past to compare this to. Being as I think everyone likes me, I did have to solicit help from friends who thought of some quips that I had long forgotten. (Do you see how optimistic and forgiving I am?)

• "Bitch." A kid at work called me this after I caught him in a lie. He said he was sorry about 5 minutes later. He came back to the facility THREE times to say hello, apologize to me, and assure me that he did not actually think I was a bitch.

• "Jaime keeps giving me so much F*cking attitude." Also said by a kid at work who did not get her way. And I thought it was really, really funny. We celebrated the day she turned 18 years old.

• "A friend of mine and I agree that you have told yourself and everyone else so many times that you're the most popular person in school, that you're starting to believe it. Your head has gotten too big for your body. Please deflate it as soon as possible." Have you ever had to break up with a friend? This was an email I got after I had to do such a thing. We just couldn't handle the drama she was bringing to the table. She also accused us of being a cult... which was awesome.

• "Maybe you should go buy some more feminine clothes." Said by my mother. Based on my reaction she followed it up by asking, "Why is everything I say an insult?" To which the older brother responded, "I don't know mom...why is it?"

• "Don't be such an idiot." My dad said this to me when I was 15 years old. I probably was being an idiot. I told him that I liked his positive parenting style... I am such a smart ass.

• My cousin frequently calls me a bitch and tells me to shut up. I am pretty sure he is kidding though.

• "You seriously aren't married yet?! What is wrong?!" There is one particular person who is consistently disgusted that I am not married. He comments about my singleness with a pure condescension that has been unmatched by any other. Hilarious.

And now, here I am. 30 years old. Just doing my best to be a good person. I am conversing with someone who, I thought cared... even if it was only a little bit. And BOOM! It is out there. He would definitely not be sad if I died. I didn't ask. I wasn't fishing for anything. He was not trying to be funny. He just spit it out there like he was saying hello or telling me the time. I was shocked. I had my "I am super shocked but it is kind of funny" face on. I proceeded to inform him that his comment was, perhaps, the rudest thing anyone has ever said to me. He didn't even apologize or try to take it back or anything. Totes rude to the max, right? I guess I need to respect the honesty, at least.

I too am once, twice, three times a lady.

He expressed some worry that I would relay our conversation to others. He had concern that I may not tell the whole story. Or, perhaps, that I would use his comment out of context... Now does that sound like something I would do...?

The girl with the orange sunglasses.

When I first moved back to So Cal, I went to this gas station near my house. The worker inside the store said, "I like your shades." I turned around and looked at the guy behind me because I didn't think he was talking to me... not so good with the eye contact... He laughed awkwardly and said, "No. No. You. I like your sunglasses." I said, "Thank you" because I am totes polite to the max, and I went on my merry way.

Since this particular gas station has fountain drinks for $1, it has become a favorite place to purchase my drug of choice, Diet Coke. It takes a close second to McDonald's where they have the BEST Diet Coke ever. It is so delicious. I do not know what they do to it... but I hope they never stop.

I like cold beverage

Over the next few weeks when I went inside the convenience store he would comment, "The girl with the shades." Or something in the like. I would say hello, ask how he was. And that was all.

One day I came out of the store and he was parked, sitting in his car. He yelled, "Hey!" Getting my attention. I said, "Hey there... sweet ride." Because he was clearly very proud of his mode of transportation. It seemed really awkward and contrived, but whatever.

This is pretty much EXACTLY what it looked like...

Over the months I have seen him here and there and we have had polite, superficial, meaningless conversation. "Hello. How are you? Weekends off are good." Lame, pointless stuff like that.

Which brings us to today... Today I went into the store to purchase a delicious Diet Coke. I mixed a small amount of Diet Dr. Pepper in it because it kind of tastes like Ironport (I'm anemic.) Today I asked how he was doing. "Well, other than being hungover, I am good." I started talking about how Thursdays are a prime night to go out and do things. He agreed. He told me that he likes to start his weekends on Thursday and sleep it off on Sunday. I told him that I was recently in San Francisco (good times, by the way.) I mentioned that we were out on Sunday and there was a lot going on. Chocolate festivals, Autumn Moon Festival, live music in the streets. He commented about San Fran always having stuff going on. He mentioned that he really liked it there. I thought, "This is the most interesting conversation we have had to date." He must of thought so too because he took this as a green light to have the most "interesting" conversation we have had.

My instructions for this picture were "broken body"

He began talking about one of the reasons he likes going to San Francisco. There are a lot of gay people. I said, "Yeah, that's true. There are." I continued, "I am sure people thought my sister and I were a lesbian couple because we had her baby with us. I caught tourists filming us a few times." This quickly turned into comments of women making out with one another and how much he enjoys this. Then he spoke of his love for hot lesbians and watching them... aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand the creepiness comes out...

How did I respond? I laughed of course.

People thought we were the cutest modern family.

Ashlee, Brando, and I

I am not sure how we turned to this topic so quickly. I am not sure why he felt a need to share this information. I mean, I could have guessed... it did not need to be spelled out to me. Who will I never be going to San Fran with? You guessed it, "The Asian Guy at the Mobil Station." (Yeah, no idea what his name is.)

Friends are dirty.

I read this text out of context and it made me laugh.

"It's dirty and you can hardly tell anyway."

It reminded me of Uncle Jerry. Good ol' Uncle Jerry.

You need to chill the eff out.

Some people (ahem...you know who you are) need to calm down and realize that I have other things to do other than write on this blog...

On that note... I have a story of some other people who needed to chill eff out. This tale happened when I was a wee girl of only 10 years old. And thus begins the development of my street cred.

My next door neighbor's daughter came and stayed with him every other weekend. She and I would hang out on those weekends. And while she was 4 years older than me, for some reason everyone still thought this seemed like a good idea. And while, in retrospect, it is SO clear that she was a gang member, everyone still thought this seemed like a good idea. And while her life was a TOTAL train wreck, everyone STILL thought this seemed like a good idea. I would like to point out that this was a horrible idea...

One weekend my "friend" had her friend (also known as her fellow gang member) come stay at her dad's with her. We were dropped off at the Super Savor Cinema in Rossmoor...maybe it is in Seal Beach... I am not sure... this detail is not relevant. It is relevant to say that it was in no way considered a "bad part of town" or what I frequently refer to as "ghetto". We were going to see Curly Sue. We arrived too late for the current showing and decided we would go to the next one. To kill time we headed on over to Thrifty for some ice cream. While waiting in line, a group of girls walked by us and bumped the shoulder of my friend's friend. Her response was, obviously, "Watch it bitch." This was accompanied by some serious mad dogging.

I don't think that I even got any damn ice cream because the next thing I remember is that these girls are in our faces demanding to know where we are from. The 2 girls I was with are saying really classy things like, "It's none of your f*cking business." I could feel the situation escalating and had no idea what to do. The strangers then started demanding to know how old we were. Now, I knew that I was much younger than all parties involved. But I also knew that i did not LOOK much younger than them. When I was 10 I was often mistaken for much older. So while the tough girls refused to answer any questions, I said very firmly and loudly, "I am ten. I am TEN years old." I am sure that the message I conveyed with my tone was, "I am only 10 years old, please do not kick my ass." Because that is what I was feeling.

Some of the details are hazy... but I do know that there were more of them than us. (Especially when we all know I was not even part of that "us".) I also remember the moment that it was decided that shit was about to get real. Two chicks, the shoulder bumper and the shoulder bumpee, were about to brawl it out. The agreed upon instructions were that it was between these 2 girls and no one else was going to jump in. Gotta have rules...even on the streets...

The obvious place for 2 teenage girls to fight is in the middle of a parking lot where cars are trying to drive. The obvious thing for girls to do when fighting is always to pull each other's clothes off. So here are 2 teen girls, scratching and slapping one another in a full out stereotypical cat fight. Cars flashing their lights and honking at them. My friend's home girl must have been losing, because my friend decided she needed to jump in there. She turned to me and said, "Hold my purse." I declined. She shoved her purse into my chest and said, "Hold my purse!" I declined again. She yelled, "BITCH!" This is when I decided to bail.

I am not quite sure why it took me so long to decide to leave. But I guess when your "friend" calls you a bitch because you don't want to help her beat the shit out of some people, this is when it is kosher to get the hell out. I went and found a pay phone and called the parentals. As I hung up the phone with my pa, I saw the group of stranger girls rounding the corner and coming towards me. I just sat right where I was as they approached me. I don't remember feeling scared or anything. I just remember thinking that I wasn't moving from that spot until my parents came.

This group of girls, who obviously won the fight, apologized to me. They told me that they were really sorry that I witnessed the whole scene. They told me that they felt bad that I had any part of it. They asked if they could wait there with me until my parents came and picked me up. WHAT?!?! But that is exactly what they did. As soon as I commented that I could see my parents car, they took off.

Later that evening, the "friend" knocked on my door. She apologized to me with the most insincere apology I have ever heard (and I worked Juvenile Justice Services, so this is quite the honor.) She gave my parents a similar apology. And then...I never saw her again... It was like she never existed and none of it ever happened. It wasn't talked about. She wasn't talked about. It was just over.

Now that I have developed more street cred... I totes understand that, "Damn it feels good to be a gangsta."

(WARNING: there are some "F-words" in this soundtrack...

so don't watch it you don't want to hear.)

The creepers are copious.

It was about 11pm and I was at home, getting ready for bed. I heard my cell phone ring. I looked to see who was calling. It was not any of my contacts, but a phone number with a California area code. I answered.

"Hello?"

"Hi...is [name I cannot remember] there?"

"No, I am sorry. You have the wrong number."

"I do? Wait... what number did I call? 435!? Where am I calling?"

"Utah."

"Hahahaha. That is so random that I have called Utah. I am in San Francisco. What time is it there?"

"It's 11."

"Oh my gosh. I cannot believe I called Utah. What are you doing answering random phone calls so late at night?"

"I know plenty of people in California. Having a call right now from a Cali number is not uncommon."

"I live in San Francisco... and there are so many freaks here. Are there freaks there?"

"Uh... hahaha... yes... I imagine there are freaks everywhere. Anywhere you go you can find all kinds."

"I guess that is true. But I think San Francisco must have more than other places."

"Maybe, I have only been there once. But it was a good time."

"Would people call you a freak?"

"Hahaha. Doubtful."

"Can I ask you a question?"

"I guess..."

"Has anyone ever asked you to have a threesome?"

"Hahahaha. No, I cannot say that it has ever come up."

"Would you be open to having a threesome with myself and another guy?"

"Wow. No thank you."

That's right... it started out as a wrong number and escalated into what could have been an epic sexual escapade. Talking to strangers, as it turns out, is an excellent idea. It makes for a good story... and we all know that I like a good story.

(This was not my first dirty phone call, but it is the one I chose to write about first. I am hazy on the details of the first one... I am may need some sort of hypnotherapy session to help bring it to light.)

Friends are considerate.

My birthday was amazing. I had more fun than should be allowed. I do not feel like I am exaggerating when I use the word EPIC to describe it. I received fabulous happy birthday wishes in person, over the phone, on Facebook, email, Skype, and texts. Here was my favorite birthday text...

"All day long I will be thinking of you and singing "I'm gonna party like its your birthday." I will let your lover think of you and sing "birthday sex" all day long"

Such an awful song...but it WAS my birthday, and I DID want to ride out...

Get out of my head, Jeremiah.

A creep magnet.

It has recently occurred to me (or been pointed out to me) that I am a magnet for creepy people. Some may think this should freak me out. That I should be worried. Some may beg me to change my phone number and to buy mace. But in reality, it amuses me to a tremendous degree. I have so many creeptastic stories that I will tell over time. Seriously amazing. I know stuff like this has to happen to other people. It can't just be me...

I will start with the most recent creep contact.

(this seemed like the best picture for the topic at hand)

On both Skype and Facebook, I frequently get random friend requests and messages. I am not really into being friends with people that I do not know. I don't like thinking about strangers having so much information about me. It kind of weirds me out (and here I am posting all this random shit on an open blog... it makes sense to me, so back off.)

I rarely get a friend request from a stranger that is not accompanied by a message. For the most part the message is short and sweet, straight to the point.

"Hey you seem interesting, I would like to get to know you."

"I was looking at your profile and thought you seemed worth talking to."

"I would love to get to know you. Add me as a friend if you feel the same way."

But the other day, I got a message that blew all other messages out of the water. And here it is for your viewing pleasure. (I cleaned up his punctuation a bit.)

(sent at 11:51pm)

Hello how are you doing and how was your day? I am [name of creeper] by name. I'm new to this, my dear. I have gone through your profile and it moves me to write you. I am a single man 53 years of age, widow before 1 kid. I am generally an optimistic person with a sense of humor, fairly easy going. I do not club and I do not drink or smoke. Looking for a special someone, that I could love with all my heart, body, and soul. I love to find experiences and to share them with someone who is serious about finding the right man. If you are seeking for the same...write me here [email address] and get to know each other. I wish you all the best in your endeavors.

I'll be waiting for you reply soon.

Hugs and Kisses

[name of creeper]

This is weird, right? Other people have to be getting similar messages, right? It cannot just be me, right? But awesome, right?

First comes love, then comes marriage.

One of my friends is what you may call, "trusting." I call it, "awesome." Jenessa is so gullible that it is nothing short of amazing. One of the best parts about her being credulous is that she will not believe me when I am actually telling the truth... but nearly always believes me when I am lying.

I don't always intend to trick her. It just happens so quickly. Here is how it usually goes. We will be talking about something, and I will make a joke. I make many sarcastic remarks, but she hasn't quite gotten on board with the amount that I throw out there. So every once in awhile, after a said joke, she will respond with a, "Really?" And then it just escalates from there. The more ridiculous, the more easily she believes it.

One example of the accidental prank came as a result of my taking an American Sign Language class. I jokingly did a sign where I pointed up and then made a circle with my finger. I told her that meant, "Up your butt and around the corner" in ASL. It is obvious I am kidding, yes? Apparently not. "Really?" She questioned. You don't pass up an opportunity like this.

"Yeah, I was talking to my professor and I was asking about slang and common phrases. So I asked her how to say 'Up your butt and around the corner.'" Jenessa thought this was wonderful and hilarious. We used this "sign" all the time when hanging out with our friends (we still do, on occasion.) When I heard her explain and demonstrate for the 5th or 6th person who was not in our immediate group of friends, I decided to let her know. "Nes...." and I just shook my head.

She asked, "It isn't the sign?" I continued to shake my head. Then she just started laughing. She had told A LOT of people. And you know they all knew it was bull shit.

In a more radical situation, we had her a little worried about a couple of us being star children. You know, people from another planet who's spaceship lands behind my parents' house. This is why my parents chose the location for our family home. Ok, she didn't FULLY believe that one... but she was a little scared and apprehensive. And did NOT like it when we brought it up.

A mischievous friend and fellow star child, Ane, was always the first to be right there backing my pranks (and I to her as well.) Ane was engaged to be married. When she went to apply for her marriage licence, they gave her a video to watch. It opened with Governor Leavitt and his wife, walking hand in hand saying, "We are so happy to hear about your decision to get married." Who cares? You may ask yourself. Where is Jaime going with this? You may be doubting.

Here is the beauty. Ms. Gullible had recently gone out on a date or 2 with the Governor's son, Taylor Leavitt. And this is good... this is real good... I called Nes at her work, "Were you expecting Taylor to drop something off to you?" She was, of course, not expecting anything. "Well, he brought a video tape here and said that he wants you to watch it as soon as you get off work." She thought it was weird, and in my mind she stewed about it for the remainder of her work day. "What could it be?" Running through all of the scenarios... but there is no way she could ever be able to know what was coming.

Picture by Ashlee Rene Photography.

(I dare you to "LIKE" her on Facebook)

Nes came home, Ane and I waiting in anticipation for her reaction, but acting like it was just in anticipation for the contents of the video. She hits PLAY. "Hello. I am Governor Leavitt and this is my wife Jackie. We are so happy to hear about your decision to get married." Nes immediately looks at Ane and I. We act super shocked and start rolling in laughter. "What the hell?" I ask. She is stunned and just keeps watching the video. It talks about the importance of marriage and how great it is that she has made this decision. Ane and I are happier with each word the Governor says. Every once in awhile Nes would ask, "Who brought this? Did Taylor really drop this off? What did he say when he was here?" She was getting increasingly more and more concerned.

She had a brief moment where she voiced disbelief. "Are you guys messing with me. He didn't bring this."

"Call him." I suggest. I get the phone, I put it on speaker, and I call Taylor.

I obviously covered my tracks. I had called Taylor before Nes came home and said, "If Jenessa calls you and asks if you brought a video over for her, just say yes." He didn't ask any questions and just agreed. This is why I liked the guy. (That and his Milli Vanilli knowledge.)

Nes watched as I dialed the number. He answered. I ask, "Taylor, did you bring a video tape over here for Jenessa?" He responds in the affirmative. He even laughs a little and comments, "Does she not believe you?" Perfect! We say our goodbyes, I hang up.

Jenessa, who is as sweet as she is gullible, has a pained look on her face. "Is this a joke? Is he playing a joke on me? Or does he really think that I want to marry him?" Ane and I of course express our disbelief that it is a prank. "A joke? Where he involves his mom and dad? The Governor? Really?" She agrees that this would be over the top.

Hours later, we are getting ready to go out. She brings it up again asking for my advice, "What should I do Jaime? I need to talk to Taylor, but I have no idea what to say." While it is still hilarious to me, I couldn't let her actually have this conversation with Taylor. It would have been awesomely awkward, yes. But I liked the guy and hoped that he and Nes would continue dating. I revealed to her that it was a joke. I told her why we had the video. She laughed and was more relieved than mad. She had to admit that it was one of our better lies.

A few days later, she approached me upset. I was confused why she was more upset now than before. And here is why. She thought Taylor was in on the whole thing. So she commented to him that it was funny. And he was clueless. She had said just enough that it would be more awkward to not tell. She said it was one of the most painful recappings of a story ever. I know it makes me a horrible person for finding so much joy in it.

As I started reminiscing and recalling all of the best Nester moments, I realized that many will need to be told at a later time. This blog post could go on and on and on. And it may not be quite as funny when you list them all in a row.

If playing jokes on Nes is wrong, then I don't want to be right.

Friends are loyal.

You never know what life is going to throw at you. Isn't it grand?

"Who knew that the cement to our friendship would be alcohol, skankalicious-ness, and vomit..."

Only Cleo could have known...

Conversations with Boo.

Boo Radley is my little brother. And he is awesome. If you don't know him, all I can say to you is this, "I am sorry." You can dream of a day when your life may be more complete because you have been blown off by my little brother. It is AMAZING. He does not disappoint. He will never tell you what you want to hear, he may ignore you. He will fake yawn right in your face. He may just instantly fall asleep to get his point across. (Before you dismiss this, ponder it. It is actually quite genius.) The Boo Rad is a unique individual who will not apologize for how he is. If you don't like it, don't talk to him. He would probably rather you not talk to him anyway...

Brad: "Is dad being ornery, Mom?"
Mom: "No, he is being a perfect gentlemen."
Brad: "Hmm... I will have to keep an eye on him to make sure he keeps that up."
Jaime: "hahahahahaha"

Rob (Older Brother): "Brad come out with us."
Brad:"hmmmm...I just can't"
Rob: "Come on Brad! Just come hang out with us."

Brad: "Well....I'm The Healer in my guild...and we have a raid tonight...so..."

Jaime: "On a scale of 1-10"
Brad: [so quick he is interrupting] "7."
Jaime: "haha. What exactly were you rating?"
Brad: "Would you prefer a 3?"

Jaime: "You should start a blog."
Brad: "My first blog will be about me punching you in the face."

Skype chat.
Jaime: Love you Boo!
Brad: aye

unsolicited text from Brad:

Rwar

Random Skype message:

GLURDLESMELCH!

This one is an oldie but goodie from his high school days.
Jaime: "Do you wanna know why mom and dad named you Bradley? Because you are RADLEY!"
Brad: "Do you wanna know why mom and dad named you Jaime? Because you are STUPID!"

He didn't fight this at all...I was SHOCKED.

His protest was to refuse to smile.

After looking at the picture, he said, "I wish I was wearing my 'NARG' shirt."

This will have to be a post I do every once in awhile...so many gems... Love this guy!

Feeling a little saucy.

I feel that I should inform you, my "followers", that I am feeling extra scandalous today. I am feeling mischievous. I am feeling that I want to misbehave...but I do not have an outlet at hand. What's a girl to do...?

Friends are good guessers.

Back story: This friend was told, "You will never guess what I agreed to..."

"Perform a tap dance nude for money, for [ridiculous male friend.]"

That is not hot. And for what I have agreed to, I will be fully clothed.

This is what I think of when I think of tap dancing. Go to 0:30 if you don't want to watch the whole video...but I don't know why you wouldn't want to watch the whole magical thing.

I need a tuxedo leotard with tails...NEED!

Nice to meet you.

There are times when I have experiences that are epic. I am more of an introvert with moments of feeling outgoing. I rarely engage in conversations with strangers. I have decided that I am going to pump this up a notch because I met Steve. Oh Steve.

My sister Ashlee, her 6 month old Brando, and I were on our way to Cuba, New Mexico for my fabulous friend's wedding. While at a pit stop in Flagstaff, Arizona I met Steve. Steve is employed at this particular gas station and is extremely friendly and helpful. Steve is what some of us may call an "over sharer." And I was NOT sad about it. After successfully disengaging myself from conversation with Steve, I switched places with the sister. I stayed out at the car with the baby, and she went to use the facilities and peruse the store. I made no mention of Steve. Ashlee was gone 5 minutes or so. I could tell by the look on her face as she walked towards me that she had also met Steve the talker. Ashlee walked to me and said, "Go ahead...ask me anything about Steve." I nodded my head.

As we complied our information a few things became very clear.

1. He thought we were a lesbian couple until the term "sister" was mentioned.

2. I was introduced to "Party Steve" where Ashlee was introduced to "Serious Steve"

3. We both fell a little bit in love with Steve the amusing gas station attendant.

The following is the combined list of things we now know about Steve:

• Works at the Shell Station in Flagstaff, AZ.
• 58 years old.
• From Long Beach, CA.
• Frequented Seal Beach Main Street, especially for the St. Patrick's Day celebration.
• Lived a quarter of a mile away from Wilson High School.
• Graduated from Wilson High School in 1971.
• First visit to Flagstaff was in '71 and he was amazed by all the trees.
• 40 year high school reunion is this summer.
• Will not be attending the reunion because no one will be impressed that he is a gas station attendant. The "Soshys in high school will be the soshys now."
• Steve likes shortbread cookies.
• Son, age 14, has Cerebral Palsy. This was caused by the umbilical cord being wrapped around his neck.
• Wife moved he and his son to Arizona.
• Son has a G-tube and is in a wheelchair.
• Son will be attending high school next year. Steve is very proud.
• Son is on a regimen of fish oil. "You know, if there is a wives tale about it, there's a little truth."
• Steve is a Jerry Brown Democrat
• Can list the blue pockets in AZ and "the rest is red. They are all haters."
• Won't consider himself from AZ because it is "full of haters." He considers himself a Californian.
• Believes the Jerry Brown attack ad against Whitman was genius and won it for him.
• Steve has trouble with his attention span and short term memory.
• His excuse for his lacking memory is in his wallet. A medical marijuana card. He proved it.
• Steve doesn't drink as much as he used to. Why would he with that card in hand?

This was all in less than 10 minutes, including our transition times. Delightful.

Our one regret was not snapping a picture of our new friend, Steve.

PS I dare you to go onto my sister's Facebook fan page and "LIKE" her photography business. She is fantastic.

I am a busy bee.

Sometimes I get busy. Deal with it. Sometimes I drive for 13-14 hours to other states. There are times I get my kicks parallel to Route 66. Sometimes I go places that are kind of in the middle of no where. Sometimes I end up in locations with very little phone service and even less internet access. I am going to say it... Sometimes I am too busy to post on this blog. It is called a life, and I have one. (Well, kinda. I did last week anyway.)

Friends are truthful.

First of all I would like to say that while my phone is amazing and I cannot believe I live in a world where I carry the internet around in my pocket, it also cramps my style at times. ALL of my texts were randomly deleted again. This is the 3rd time in 2 months. Irritating to the max when I am trying to share my most amusing text with y'all.

I KNOW that one person certainly won for most inappropriate text (in both quality and quantity.) However, I am not likely to post those here. They did make me laugh though...and then I thought about them later...and laughed again.


That being said, here is the funniest text I received in the last 48 hours.

"Give me some chubby unworthy people to hang with and I'm good!!!!"

Followed by,

"Sinners are just more fun...."

Don't I know it.

Girl's got skills.

Today I recalled one of my greatest talents. I learned it growing up. My sister read about people who do this (I think it was in regards to dysfunctional families. Hahahaha) and was struck with how amazing I am. I do it on purpose, and I do it on accident. It is like second nature to me. It is a talent that has actually become a crutch and hindered me some. But I believe it has served me more than hurt me.

I can disappear. I can be in a room full of people, and I can disappear. I can be in a room with a few people, and I can disappear. I can be at a party, gone. A classroom or training, gone. I can be with friends or family, disappeared. I can be in a room with only 1 person, we can have an hour long conversation and you will know very little about me, but I know your life story... as you walk away you realize that it was almost like I wasn't there. I am not talking about a trick. "A trick is something a whore does for money." I do not mean that I literally disappear like Gob making the Bluth family's yacht disappear. It's an illusion.

I, Jaime Boots, can blend in and go unnoticed. I am so good at it, that I fear talking about it thus people start to notice me more when I am present. I feel like there are times it has become my default response, and I only want to resort to this when doing it on purpose, not to simply check out. I feel it can serve it's purpose when controlled.

I have so many examples from my life when I have done this. Here is one that is easy to describe and doesn't throw anyone under the bus. I went to a certain church for 3 years. There was copious amounts of turn over. Some people in and some out. It is inevitable in a college town. However, there were quite a few people who remained constant over the years. Many people use church as a social scene. I have never done this. Many single people are constantly looking around for possible people to date. They hang out with fellow church members even when it is not church related. This is something I rarely do. I do not have a desire to make church my social scene. I want some spiritual lessons, and then I like to bail. I was moving to another area. It was my last Sunday in this specific ward. The man who, every Sunday, sat in front of the congregation and counted people. He tallied the numbers for the church records. The man that was up in the front looking at the congregation every single week for years, asked me, "So...are you new?" I laughed. I laughed hard. I had to brace myself on a table because the ridiculousness of this question was so amazing. So, yeah, I can blend in.

I wonder if there are others who have noticed this about me.

Wait...maybe it isn't that I can blend in...maybe it is that I am just way average and forgettable... Nah that can't be it. I am JAIME F***ING BOOTS!

I LOVE Arrested Development...the show, not actual arrested development.

I would like to point out that there is another version that ends in, "Or candy..."

Friends are boss.

This describes how I feel every time people don't do what I tell/dare them to do.

"Weak. People need to be more reckless and succumb more to peer pressure."

Agreed.
Dumb asses.

These are their stories.

Do you ever watch Law and Order, Criminal Minds (Mmmmmm Shemar Moore) or other crime solving shows and think about what would happen if you died or went missing? I think about it all the time. I think about strangers going through all of my stuff. Detectives reading my journals (some of which need to be BURNED, by the way.) I imagine the cavalry rifling through my belongings and analyzing what they find. I literally just shuddered, but then I laughed because I imagined officers in my room, on horseback, looking at my stuff.

In this electronic age there are numerous modes of media where my life can be tracked. For example, all of the death threats I text to my friends. (Calm down, they threaten me to...) There are the pointless gmail chats that I have. Imagine family members knowing about all the junk I write on the internet. People reading my Skype chats. (What if the video is recorded and stored? Oh Gah!) And there are oh so many Facebook chats. I know Mark Zuckerberg is reading my FB chats. My cousin and I are all over that shit. We like to talk about him and call him names while chatting on FB. Not because we care, but because we hope he is narcissistic enough to have his name flagged so that any time his name is mentioned, he gets to read the reference. Oh Zuckerberg (for the record, I still need to watch The Social Network.)

It isn't like I have a whole lot to hide. I don't have a bunch of deep dark secrets. It's the not having control over the aspects of my life that certain people know. Of course it comes back to control. Thinking about all my private stuff out there for everyone to know... it makes me feel... unsettled.

Now back to my Skype...

Shemar can be involved in my
personal business anytime he wants.

"In the criminal justice system, sexually based offenses are considered especially heinous. In New York City, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious felonies are members of an elite squad, known as the Special Victims Unit. These are their stories."

Friends are creative.

When working with kids in JJS, one HAS to have a sense of humor. If you don't you will want to quit every hour of every shift, or just freak out, or choke someone out, or go to your car and cry. In order to help the working conditions to be more pleasurable, staff frequently come up with creative ideas. Here is one such idea sent to me in a text from a friend that I met while working JJS in Ogden.

"They have one of my favorite kids there now. He's the one that I told him he should rhyme all day and he did and it was amazing. 11 minutes into it Barry said "what the f*** is wrong with you emily?". I laughed really hard. That day consisted of a lot of "thanks em, you're a gem". How can that be bad? Or "please open the door so I don't poo on the floor". Fact-it never got old."

If I had been there, I would have laughed at each rhyme. I do not believe that would ever get old me to either! Just like it never got old having the kids make fun of the staff as they lifted weights. Always funny...

I am so strong.

I had the bright idea to call Crossfit and get the 411 on my local chapter. I talked with a man named Nick. He was fantastic and answered all of my questions. We discussed Crossfit and how the people in each gym become a tight knit community. This is one of the reasons Crossfit appeals to me. To have friends that actually live near me. To have friends where we do something other than eat at social gatherings. I believe Nick's direct quote regarding the community and everyone supporting one another was, "I don't like assholes at my gym." For this reason I decided to go to Crossfit and do a trial class. And it's Crossfit, so there is guaranteed eye candy potential. That never hurts any situation.

image found at cccrossfit.com

I went to the Crossfit gym. Nick was super cool and explained the philosophy of Crossfit. He talked about how his gym works. He had me do some simple moves to make sure I was doing them correctly. (Squats, push ups, ring rows...) Nothing like doing exercises while a stranger critiques you. Actually, I didn't feel self conscious as all. All was great. I didn't require massive amounts of form fixing. I am really good at following directions.

Nick had me do a short workout, and he timed me. It involved running, squats, push ups, and jumping. Running...I got this. I can run. I have done this millions of time. No big deal. Squats... keep good form in mind, no problem. I can do the amount of squats required. Push ups...how I loathe thee. I suck at push ups. I realize that because push ups are difficult for me, I should do them more often in order to improve. This is an even more difficult mental game to play. Oh push ups... there was a time (about a year ago) when I could rock out 2o-25 push ups in a row. It's like our moms were right when they said that we need to do to improve and that practice makes perfect. I hate it when our moms are right. Squat jumps... just ask my friend Chrissie how I feel about jumping at the end of a workout. I think I used words like "Hate" and "Murder" and I am sure even more disgusting words of scorn ran through my mind. The squat jumps in this workout were not actually as bad as anticipated. It took me over 9 minutes to do the workout I had been prescribed.

All in all, it wasn't bad. I never thought I was going to die. (But kinda wanted to end my own life on the third round of pushups.) It was difficult and I pushed myself, but it was a familiar feeling. I have pushed myself like this before. I attest this to my many workouts with Chrissie and Gina (my lovely friends in St. George.) Stairs at Dixie, Filthy Fifty, lunging to the max. I love working out with them because I always push myself and I always do my best. It is more difficult to push myself when I am at my parents house working out alone with commentary from the little bro.

Running stairs at Dixie.

Hiking in SG.
**On a side note, I had a funny memory come up while writing this post. I worked for Juvenile Justice Services for 6 years. I loved it. Loved the kids. Loved so many of my coworkers. In one program, we ran a daily group. One of my coworkers was from Mexico and had a pretty thick accent. To make a long story short, he assigned the kids several "sexercises" for them to complete.The rest of us lost it completely. I was having a difficult time keeping the laugh stifled. Hilarious. Once again, the juvenile delinquents and troubled youth were more mature than the staff. Ah well... it was funny. Hahaha sexercises.

Friends are intellectual.

I want everyone to know that I did NOT, in fact, know the answer to the following question that was asked of me via text this week.

"Do you know the author's name who wrote the Twilight series?"

It may be the worst book series ever written...and I did read it. Confessions of a half-ass blogger.

Sometimes I use profanities.

Ok... I swear. As in, I use swear words. As in, I do not do a whole lot of censoring. As in, for the most part, I feel that cursing adds humor to situations. As in, I do not have a testimony about not swearing.

I don't curse like a sailor, but I am no lady (when it come to my language.) I take it down a notch for certain company. It isn't about being something I am not. It is about respecting others and realizing they do not want to hear it (i.e. my mom and some other people's moms.) There are certain words that are just off limits for me because they are a bit to harsh and cross into the vulgar. There is one word that I am worried about adding to my vocabulary. The word itself doesn't offend me. In some contexts I do not appreciate it. In other contexts I am cool with it. And in other contexts, it is totes hilarious to the max. The reason I have not added this word to my repertoire is simply due to fear. My fear is that it would take over. That I would lose all intelligent language and this infamous powerful word would take over. That it would spread into my vocabulary like alien herpes in Roswell, NM (that's right, I just made a SciFi reference.)

Another friend and I have been toying with an idea. To take 1 day and use the profane word in every possible way that can be thought of. In ways that make our sentences completely incoherent and even the speaker isn't sure what is going on. We are super amused by the idea but have not had the lady balls to follow through with it. I have several friends who support my decision to use the notorious word. They want to be there to witness the christening of the word into my vocabulary. They are advocates for this extension of my jargon. This word will not make me sound more profound, adept, or enlightened... but damn...it would be funny. Another friend of mine is hesitant to support me in my use. He has pinned this word as the beginning of his downfall. (That and being an ass the first 29 years of his life.)

I have not made a decision either way quite yet. Feel free to express your opinions. But the decision is mine and mine alone. I am aware of the possible consequences of my actions. I believe one such consequence is me becoming even more awesome than I already am! (I know, you weren't sure it was possible, but one can always improve...)

For your viewing/listening pleasure.

*This post was inspired by a post written by a friend of mine. Honesty really is the best policy. I feel better after sharing. Thank you for the public forum.

Friends are clever.

I developed many talents over my years working with teenagers and their parents. One such talent is knowing how to ask questions. To ask the right questions the right way to get the true answer. I have friends that are working on this quality...

"Are you drunk or high? Or drunk and high?"

No! Are you crazy! Of course not!

The truth?
K HOLE

picture from: http://www.medanku.com/smuggling-drugs-arrested-airport/

Hahaha.

Recycling is good for the environment

I would like to say that I have been productively busy and this is the reason for my lack of posting this week. But this would be a lie. And I am not Erny the Urn. I tell truths! (Love you Eryn...) I have been busy with nonsensical things, but I have been having a grand time. I am doing a bit of recycling today. In 2009 I wrote "25 Random Things" on Facebook. So here it is...recycled and revamped a bit for the blogger.

1. I love to judge things on a scale of 1-10. I define the scale and have people report to me their feelings using a number. Taylor loves me a 100 (or "until the rainbow comes"...depending on his mood.)

2. I crave a good, solid, and entertaining last name. So far my favorites are Boots, Boozer, McCool, Bamey, and I am open to suggestions. The 2 names I am called most frequently are Jaime Boots and Jaime Bamey. Those are good names!!

3. I hurt my neck doing a series of cartwheels while at work. That's right...I was doing cartwheels at work. I have a really good job. If you are going to try doing some gymnastics while at work, I suggest you follow Baugh's example and warm up first. THIS INJURY COMES BACK EVERY OTHER MONTH. I SURE HOPE THOSE KIDS APPRECIATED MY SACRIFICE.

4. I love the steam room at the gym. I do not love naked women doing the bicycle while in the steam room at the gym.

5. When I was in the second grade I had a really scary teacher. She was old and mean. She grabbed me by my arm with her nails once. Another time she pushed me into the chalkboard and the corner of the ledge that holds the chalk ripped my shorts and gave me a huge bruise. She was terrifying. At this time I was so shy (and scared) that my teacher thought I didn't know how to read. She sent me to the special education reading class. While in this class, the special education teacher had me read some things and do some testing. The next day I was taken to the advanced reading and math classes.

6. I have been hit on by a drunk cross dresser.

7. I love to dance. I love to dance with friends or alone. I love to dance at home, clubs, bars, the street, my front porch, I especially love car dancing. Do not confuse loving to dance with being good at dancing. I love the ridiculousness of it all. Dancing for countless hours with Anekins on a cruise. Baugh imitating Salt and Peppa's "Push it" while at a dive bar in Ogden. Car dancing during several road trips to California (Beaver Las Vegas!) Karaoke/Lip Syncing nights at the MIC. Not being able to "get no satisfaction" at Cambridge. Skipping the gym and pumping up the jam in P-town. Dancing is always a good idea. Can I get an "Amen"?

8. I used to HATE my curly hair. I thought it was ridiculous looking and could not figure out why anyone would think it could possibly be cute. I now LOVE my curly hair. I feel the most myself when I let my wild mane fly free.

9. In October 2008 I had 2 important realizations, both of which I had to swallow my pride and admit to Jenessa. 1- I like to dress up for Halloween, and 2- I like to have my nails painted.

10. When I was 9 years old I was sleeping in my bedroom. I woke up and there was a man kneeling by my bed, watching me sleep. It was creepy. To make a long story short, I slept on a mattress on the floor in my parents bedroom for a good 6 or 7 months.

11. My 2009 New Year's resolution is to be able to do the splits. I will make it, and it will be amazing. I DID NOT MAKE THIS GOAL. IT IS STILL A GOAL I INTEND ON ACCOMPLISHING.

12. I am kind of a gamer. I like video games. They can't be all complicated though. I love the classic Mario Brother games. I have been known to become addicted to Dr. Mario and Tetris. There was a period of time where I was slightly addicted to Guitar Hero (but we had borrowed it and I had to cram a lot of play time in while we had it.) I am waiting for my Rock Band kit to come in the mail. When it does, its on! It is on like Donkey Kong! (Which was another game I used to be addicted to.)

13. I believe the best breakfast is candy and diet coke. (I use the term "best" loosely here, maybe I should have said "tastiest" or "healthiest.")

14. I was born in Long Beach, California. This explains why I am so ghetto fabulous.

15. I love, love, love, love to travel. I wish I could do more of it in and out of the country. So far I have gone internationally to Mexico, London, Paris, Biaritz (France), Glascow, Edinburough, Oban (Scotland), and Costa Rica. I HAVE NOW ALSO BEEN TO THE CARIBBEAN AND ALL OVER INDIA

16. I have driven the same car since I was 17 years old. My parents bought it for me and I promised them I would drive it for 10 years. I have fulfilled my promise, but the prism is running strong and I love that car. STILL ROCKIN' THE PRISM!!!

17. I have told dozens of juvenile delinquents that I am a master krumper. Where did I learn it? On the streets.

18. My friend Dan told me once that I flirt with people on accident. He said, "You think you are talking. They think you are flirting." Its true.

19. One time when my mom picked me up from work, I had to change my clothes in the car. Later that evening, my dad said to a bunch of my guy friends, "All I want to know is... how my daughter got so good at getting her clothes on and off in a car." Gotta love the papa J.

20. On a scale of 1-10, 1 being hatred and 10 being lots-o-love, I love my job a 10. I wish everyone could find as much contentment and satisfaction in an occupation. I DID LOVE THAT JOB, AND I LEFT WHILE I STILL LOVED IT. A GIRL'S GOTTA DO WHAT A GIRL'S GOTTA DO!

21. I enjoy interjecting movie/TV quotes into everyday casual conversation. There are some obscure quotes that have been thrown out there at times and I like to see who catches on. A few of my favorites, "Who's Anthony? Who's Anthony? My drummer." "We like her dad!" "Oh Kathy!" "Kill him." And of course the classic, "That's what she said." There are hundreds...Thanks BJ.

22. I thought I had mono once for an entire year...turned out I was just really bored.

23. I appear outgoing and super comfortable in all kinds of social situations. I am actually quite the introvert with moments of feeling outgoing. Chances are that inside I am a bit uncomfortable.

24. I laugh...a lot... and kinda loud. I think a lot of things are funny, and I am amused by simple things. People feel torn between liking it and hating it. On the one hand, they feel like they are starring in a def comedy jam as a headliner. One the other hand, they hang out with other people and find out they are not stand up comedians. But then they call me and I assure them that what they said is, in fact, hilarious.

25. And the twenty fifth random thing about me is... I prefer odd numbers to even numbers. I always have.

2 toilets...1 stall...

Bad news bears.

I regret to inform you that my cell phone has let all of us down this week. I went to write my weekly "Friend Text". I pulled my messages up on my phone. They were not loading. I thought, "Will you give it a second? It has to go to space!" I set the phone aside. After a minute or so I tried restarting my phone. My phone rebooted successfully. I went to my messages to try the process again...all of my messages were gone. Super lame. Lame to the max even! Totes lame to the max. (That is A LOT of lameness.) In this catastrophe I am really trying to focus on the positive things in life. Optimism will get us through this folks. We CAN do this if we support each other through it.

I am envisioning a gem for next week to make up for this one. I sure hope my friends do not disappoint!

In the meantime...

"You non-contributing zero."

I am legitimate.

There are a lot of people out there with letters after their names. Usually it is because they have worked really hard to obtain some sort of a title. They deserve these well earned letters. My dear friend Ane gets to add "M.S., LMFT" after her name. My brother is not a real doctor and gets to have "D.D.S." after his. Maybe one day I may add a Ph.D. to mine (maybe... MAYBE...stop pressuring me!) Soon I will be a certified life coach and can add "C.C." after my name if I so choose. But lately I have been thinking of some letters that should have been added after my name a LONG time ago. I have worked really hard and I think I have earned it.

I am Jaime Boots, B.F.F.


Yeah. Totes legit to the max.

(If I had older pictures on my computer, I could have made this post a lot more embarrassing for a lot more people! And there are more people I would have loved to include, but the pictures of us together are very limited...that just means I have been slacking in the picture taking department. Consider the problem rectified.)

Until next time my lovelies.