The creepers are copious.

It was about 11pm and I was at home, getting ready for bed. I heard my cell phone ring. I looked to see who was calling. It was not any of my contacts, but a phone number with a California area code. I answered.

"Hello?"

"Hi...is [name I cannot remember] there?"

"No, I am sorry. You have the wrong number."

"I do? Wait... what number did I call? 435!? Where am I calling?"

"Utah."

"Hahahaha. That is so random that I have called Utah. I am in San Francisco. What time is it there?"

"It's 11."

"Oh my gosh. I cannot believe I called Utah. What are you doing answering random phone calls so late at night?"

"I know plenty of people in California. Having a call right now from a Cali number is not uncommon."

"I live in San Francisco... and there are so many freaks here. Are there freaks there?"

"Uh... hahaha... yes... I imagine there are freaks everywhere. Anywhere you go you can find all kinds."

"I guess that is true. But I think San Francisco must have more than other places."

"Maybe, I have only been there once. But it was a good time."

"Would people call you a freak?"

"Hahaha. Doubtful."

"Can I ask you a question?"

"I guess..."

"Has anyone ever asked you to have a threesome?"

"Hahahaha. No, I cannot say that it has ever come up."

"Would you be open to having a threesome with myself and another guy?"

"Wow. No thank you."

That's right... it started out as a wrong number and escalated into what could have been an epic sexual escapade. Talking to strangers, as it turns out, is an excellent idea. It makes for a good story... and we all know that I like a good story.

(This was not my first dirty phone call, but it is the one I chose to write about first. I am hazy on the details of the first one... I am may need some sort of hypnotherapy session to help bring it to light.)

Friends are considerate.

My birthday was amazing. I had more fun than should be allowed. I do not feel like I am exaggerating when I use the word EPIC to describe it. I received fabulous happy birthday wishes in person, over the phone, on Facebook, email, Skype, and texts. Here was my favorite birthday text...

"All day long I will be thinking of you and singing "I'm gonna party like its your birthday." I will let your lover think of you and sing "birthday sex" all day long"

Such an awful song...but it WAS my birthday, and I DID want to ride out...

Get out of my head, Jeremiah.

A creep magnet.

It has recently occurred to me (or been pointed out to me) that I am a magnet for creepy people. Some may think this should freak me out. That I should be worried. Some may beg me to change my phone number and to buy mace. But in reality, it amuses me to a tremendous degree. I have so many creeptastic stories that I will tell over time. Seriously amazing. I know stuff like this has to happen to other people. It can't just be me...

I will start with the most recent creep contact.

(this seemed like the best picture for the topic at hand)

On both Skype and Facebook, I frequently get random friend requests and messages. I am not really into being friends with people that I do not know. I don't like thinking about strangers having so much information about me. It kind of weirds me out (and here I am posting all this random shit on an open blog... it makes sense to me, so back off.)

I rarely get a friend request from a stranger that is not accompanied by a message. For the most part the message is short and sweet, straight to the point.

"Hey you seem interesting, I would like to get to know you."

"I was looking at your profile and thought you seemed worth talking to."

"I would love to get to know you. Add me as a friend if you feel the same way."

But the other day, I got a message that blew all other messages out of the water. And here it is for your viewing pleasure. (I cleaned up his punctuation a bit.)

(sent at 11:51pm)

Hello how are you doing and how was your day? I am [name of creeper] by name. I'm new to this, my dear. I have gone through your profile and it moves me to write you. I am a single man 53 years of age, widow before 1 kid. I am generally an optimistic person with a sense of humor, fairly easy going. I do not club and I do not drink or smoke. Looking for a special someone, that I could love with all my heart, body, and soul. I love to find experiences and to share them with someone who is serious about finding the right man. If you are seeking for the same...write me here [email address] and get to know each other. I wish you all the best in your endeavors.

I'll be waiting for you reply soon.

Hugs and Kisses

[name of creeper]

This is weird, right? Other people have to be getting similar messages, right? It cannot just be me, right? But awesome, right?

First comes love, then comes marriage.

One of my friends is what you may call, "trusting." I call it, "awesome." Jenessa is so gullible that it is nothing short of amazing. One of the best parts about her being credulous is that she will not believe me when I am actually telling the truth... but nearly always believes me when I am lying.

I don't always intend to trick her. It just happens so quickly. Here is how it usually goes. We will be talking about something, and I will make a joke. I make many sarcastic remarks, but she hasn't quite gotten on board with the amount that I throw out there. So every once in awhile, after a said joke, she will respond with a, "Really?" And then it just escalates from there. The more ridiculous, the more easily she believes it.

One example of the accidental prank came as a result of my taking an American Sign Language class. I jokingly did a sign where I pointed up and then made a circle with my finger. I told her that meant, "Up your butt and around the corner" in ASL. It is obvious I am kidding, yes? Apparently not. "Really?" She questioned. You don't pass up an opportunity like this.

"Yeah, I was talking to my professor and I was asking about slang and common phrases. So I asked her how to say 'Up your butt and around the corner.'" Jenessa thought this was wonderful and hilarious. We used this "sign" all the time when hanging out with our friends (we still do, on occasion.) When I heard her explain and demonstrate for the 5th or 6th person who was not in our immediate group of friends, I decided to let her know. "Nes...." and I just shook my head.

She asked, "It isn't the sign?" I continued to shake my head. Then she just started laughing. She had told A LOT of people. And you know they all knew it was bull shit.

In a more radical situation, we had her a little worried about a couple of us being star children. You know, people from another planet who's spaceship lands behind my parents' house. This is why my parents chose the location for our family home. Ok, she didn't FULLY believe that one... but she was a little scared and apprehensive. And did NOT like it when we brought it up.

A mischievous friend and fellow star child, Ane, was always the first to be right there backing my pranks (and I to her as well.) Ane was engaged to be married. When she went to apply for her marriage licence, they gave her a video to watch. It opened with Governor Leavitt and his wife, walking hand in hand saying, "We are so happy to hear about your decision to get married." Who cares? You may ask yourself. Where is Jaime going with this? You may be doubting.

Here is the beauty. Ms. Gullible had recently gone out on a date or 2 with the Governor's son, Taylor Leavitt. And this is good... this is real good... I called Nes at her work, "Were you expecting Taylor to drop something off to you?" She was, of course, not expecting anything. "Well, he brought a video tape here and said that he wants you to watch it as soon as you get off work." She thought it was weird, and in my mind she stewed about it for the remainder of her work day. "What could it be?" Running through all of the scenarios... but there is no way she could ever be able to know what was coming.

Picture by Ashlee Rene Photography.

(I dare you to "LIKE" her on Facebook)

Nes came home, Ane and I waiting in anticipation for her reaction, but acting like it was just in anticipation for the contents of the video. She hits PLAY. "Hello. I am Governor Leavitt and this is my wife Jackie. We are so happy to hear about your decision to get married." Nes immediately looks at Ane and I. We act super shocked and start rolling in laughter. "What the hell?" I ask. She is stunned and just keeps watching the video. It talks about the importance of marriage and how great it is that she has made this decision. Ane and I are happier with each word the Governor says. Every once in awhile Nes would ask, "Who brought this? Did Taylor really drop this off? What did he say when he was here?" She was getting increasingly more and more concerned.

She had a brief moment where she voiced disbelief. "Are you guys messing with me. He didn't bring this."

"Call him." I suggest. I get the phone, I put it on speaker, and I call Taylor.

I obviously covered my tracks. I had called Taylor before Nes came home and said, "If Jenessa calls you and asks if you brought a video over for her, just say yes." He didn't ask any questions and just agreed. This is why I liked the guy. (That and his Milli Vanilli knowledge.)

Nes watched as I dialed the number. He answered. I ask, "Taylor, did you bring a video tape over here for Jenessa?" He responds in the affirmative. He even laughs a little and comments, "Does she not believe you?" Perfect! We say our goodbyes, I hang up.

Jenessa, who is as sweet as she is gullible, has a pained look on her face. "Is this a joke? Is he playing a joke on me? Or does he really think that I want to marry him?" Ane and I of course express our disbelief that it is a prank. "A joke? Where he involves his mom and dad? The Governor? Really?" She agrees that this would be over the top.

Hours later, we are getting ready to go out. She brings it up again asking for my advice, "What should I do Jaime? I need to talk to Taylor, but I have no idea what to say." While it is still hilarious to me, I couldn't let her actually have this conversation with Taylor. It would have been awesomely awkward, yes. But I liked the guy and hoped that he and Nes would continue dating. I revealed to her that it was a joke. I told her why we had the video. She laughed and was more relieved than mad. She had to admit that it was one of our better lies.

A few days later, she approached me upset. I was confused why she was more upset now than before. And here is why. She thought Taylor was in on the whole thing. So she commented to him that it was funny. And he was clueless. She had said just enough that it would be more awkward to not tell. She said it was one of the most painful recappings of a story ever. I know it makes me a horrible person for finding so much joy in it.

As I started reminiscing and recalling all of the best Nester moments, I realized that many will need to be told at a later time. This blog post could go on and on and on. And it may not be quite as funny when you list them all in a row.

If playing jokes on Nes is wrong, then I don't want to be right.

Friends are loyal.

You never know what life is going to throw at you. Isn't it grand?

"Who knew that the cement to our friendship would be alcohol, skankalicious-ness, and vomit..."

Only Cleo could have known...

Conversations with Boo.

Boo Radley is my little brother. And he is awesome. If you don't know him, all I can say to you is this, "I am sorry." You can dream of a day when your life may be more complete because you have been blown off by my little brother. It is AMAZING. He does not disappoint. He will never tell you what you want to hear, he may ignore you. He will fake yawn right in your face. He may just instantly fall asleep to get his point across. (Before you dismiss this, ponder it. It is actually quite genius.) The Boo Rad is a unique individual who will not apologize for how he is. If you don't like it, don't talk to him. He would probably rather you not talk to him anyway...

Brad: "Is dad being ornery, Mom?"
Mom: "No, he is being a perfect gentlemen."
Brad: "Hmm... I will have to keep an eye on him to make sure he keeps that up."
Jaime: "hahahahahaha"

Rob (Older Brother): "Brad come out with us."
Brad:"hmmmm...I just can't"
Rob: "Come on Brad! Just come hang out with us."

Brad: "Well....I'm The Healer in my guild...and we have a raid tonight...so..."

Jaime: "On a scale of 1-10"
Brad: [so quick he is interrupting] "7."
Jaime: "haha. What exactly were you rating?"
Brad: "Would you prefer a 3?"

Jaime: "You should start a blog."
Brad: "My first blog will be about me punching you in the face."

Skype chat.
Jaime: Love you Boo!
Brad: aye

unsolicited text from Brad:

Rwar

Random Skype message:

GLURDLESMELCH!

This one is an oldie but goodie from his high school days.
Jaime: "Do you wanna know why mom and dad named you Bradley? Because you are RADLEY!"
Brad: "Do you wanna know why mom and dad named you Jaime? Because you are STUPID!"

He didn't fight this at all...I was SHOCKED.

His protest was to refuse to smile.

After looking at the picture, he said, "I wish I was wearing my 'NARG' shirt."

This will have to be a post I do every once in awhile...so many gems... Love this guy!

Feeling a little saucy.

I feel that I should inform you, my "followers", that I am feeling extra scandalous today. I am feeling mischievous. I am feeling that I want to misbehave...but I do not have an outlet at hand. What's a girl to do...?

Friends are good guessers.

Back story: This friend was told, "You will never guess what I agreed to..."

"Perform a tap dance nude for money, for [ridiculous male friend.]"

That is not hot. And for what I have agreed to, I will be fully clothed.

This is what I think of when I think of tap dancing. Go to 0:30 if you don't want to watch the whole video...but I don't know why you wouldn't want to watch the whole magical thing.

I need a tuxedo leotard with tails...NEED!

Nice to meet you.

There are times when I have experiences that are epic. I am more of an introvert with moments of feeling outgoing. I rarely engage in conversations with strangers. I have decided that I am going to pump this up a notch because I met Steve. Oh Steve.

My sister Ashlee, her 6 month old Brando, and I were on our way to Cuba, New Mexico for my fabulous friend's wedding. While at a pit stop in Flagstaff, Arizona I met Steve. Steve is employed at this particular gas station and is extremely friendly and helpful. Steve is what some of us may call an "over sharer." And I was NOT sad about it. After successfully disengaging myself from conversation with Steve, I switched places with the sister. I stayed out at the car with the baby, and she went to use the facilities and peruse the store. I made no mention of Steve. Ashlee was gone 5 minutes or so. I could tell by the look on her face as she walked towards me that she had also met Steve the talker. Ashlee walked to me and said, "Go ahead...ask me anything about Steve." I nodded my head.

As we complied our information a few things became very clear.

1. He thought we were a lesbian couple until the term "sister" was mentioned.

2. I was introduced to "Party Steve" where Ashlee was introduced to "Serious Steve"

3. We both fell a little bit in love with Steve the amusing gas station attendant.

The following is the combined list of things we now know about Steve:

• Works at the Shell Station in Flagstaff, AZ.
• 58 years old.
• From Long Beach, CA.
• Frequented Seal Beach Main Street, especially for the St. Patrick's Day celebration.
• Lived a quarter of a mile away from Wilson High School.
• Graduated from Wilson High School in 1971.
• First visit to Flagstaff was in '71 and he was amazed by all the trees.
• 40 year high school reunion is this summer.
• Will not be attending the reunion because no one will be impressed that he is a gas station attendant. The "Soshys in high school will be the soshys now."
• Steve likes shortbread cookies.
• Son, age 14, has Cerebral Palsy. This was caused by the umbilical cord being wrapped around his neck.
• Wife moved he and his son to Arizona.
• Son has a G-tube and is in a wheelchair.
• Son will be attending high school next year. Steve is very proud.
• Son is on a regimen of fish oil. "You know, if there is a wives tale about it, there's a little truth."
• Steve is a Jerry Brown Democrat
• Can list the blue pockets in AZ and "the rest is red. They are all haters."
• Won't consider himself from AZ because it is "full of haters." He considers himself a Californian.
• Believes the Jerry Brown attack ad against Whitman was genius and won it for him.
• Steve has trouble with his attention span and short term memory.
• His excuse for his lacking memory is in his wallet. A medical marijuana card. He proved it.
• Steve doesn't drink as much as he used to. Why would he with that card in hand?

This was all in less than 10 minutes, including our transition times. Delightful.

Our one regret was not snapping a picture of our new friend, Steve.

PS I dare you to go onto my sister's Facebook fan page and "LIKE" her photography business. She is fantastic.

I am a busy bee.

Sometimes I get busy. Deal with it. Sometimes I drive for 13-14 hours to other states. There are times I get my kicks parallel to Route 66. Sometimes I go places that are kind of in the middle of no where. Sometimes I end up in locations with very little phone service and even less internet access. I am going to say it... Sometimes I am too busy to post on this blog. It is called a life, and I have one. (Well, kinda. I did last week anyway.)

Friends are truthful.

First of all I would like to say that while my phone is amazing and I cannot believe I live in a world where I carry the internet around in my pocket, it also cramps my style at times. ALL of my texts were randomly deleted again. This is the 3rd time in 2 months. Irritating to the max when I am trying to share my most amusing text with y'all.

I KNOW that one person certainly won for most inappropriate text (in both quality and quantity.) However, I am not likely to post those here. They did make me laugh though...and then I thought about them later...and laughed again.


That being said, here is the funniest text I received in the last 48 hours.

"Give me some chubby unworthy people to hang with and I'm good!!!!"

Followed by,

"Sinners are just more fun...."

Don't I know it.

Girl's got skills.

Today I recalled one of my greatest talents. I learned it growing up. My sister read about people who do this (I think it was in regards to dysfunctional families. Hahahaha) and was struck with how amazing I am. I do it on purpose, and I do it on accident. It is like second nature to me. It is a talent that has actually become a crutch and hindered me some. But I believe it has served me more than hurt me.

I can disappear. I can be in a room full of people, and I can disappear. I can be in a room with a few people, and I can disappear. I can be at a party, gone. A classroom or training, gone. I can be with friends or family, disappeared. I can be in a room with only 1 person, we can have an hour long conversation and you will know very little about me, but I know your life story... as you walk away you realize that it was almost like I wasn't there. I am not talking about a trick. "A trick is something a whore does for money." I do not mean that I literally disappear like Gob making the Bluth family's yacht disappear. It's an illusion.

I, Jaime Boots, can blend in and go unnoticed. I am so good at it, that I fear talking about it thus people start to notice me more when I am present. I feel like there are times it has become my default response, and I only want to resort to this when doing it on purpose, not to simply check out. I feel it can serve it's purpose when controlled.

I have so many examples from my life when I have done this. Here is one that is easy to describe and doesn't throw anyone under the bus. I went to a certain church for 3 years. There was copious amounts of turn over. Some people in and some out. It is inevitable in a college town. However, there were quite a few people who remained constant over the years. Many people use church as a social scene. I have never done this. Many single people are constantly looking around for possible people to date. They hang out with fellow church members even when it is not church related. This is something I rarely do. I do not have a desire to make church my social scene. I want some spiritual lessons, and then I like to bail. I was moving to another area. It was my last Sunday in this specific ward. The man who, every Sunday, sat in front of the congregation and counted people. He tallied the numbers for the church records. The man that was up in the front looking at the congregation every single week for years, asked me, "So...are you new?" I laughed. I laughed hard. I had to brace myself on a table because the ridiculousness of this question was so amazing. So, yeah, I can blend in.

I wonder if there are others who have noticed this about me.

Wait...maybe it isn't that I can blend in...maybe it is that I am just way average and forgettable... Nah that can't be it. I am JAIME F***ING BOOTS!

I LOVE Arrested Development...the show, not actual arrested development.

I would like to point out that there is another version that ends in, "Or candy..."

Friends are boss.

This describes how I feel every time people don't do what I tell/dare them to do.

"Weak. People need to be more reckless and succumb more to peer pressure."

Agreed.
Dumb asses.

These are their stories.

Do you ever watch Law and Order, Criminal Minds (Mmmmmm Shemar Moore) or other crime solving shows and think about what would happen if you died or went missing? I think about it all the time. I think about strangers going through all of my stuff. Detectives reading my journals (some of which need to be BURNED, by the way.) I imagine the cavalry rifling through my belongings and analyzing what they find. I literally just shuddered, but then I laughed because I imagined officers in my room, on horseback, looking at my stuff.

In this electronic age there are numerous modes of media where my life can be tracked. For example, all of the death threats I text to my friends. (Calm down, they threaten me to...) There are the pointless gmail chats that I have. Imagine family members knowing about all the junk I write on the internet. People reading my Skype chats. (What if the video is recorded and stored? Oh Gah!) And there are oh so many Facebook chats. I know Mark Zuckerberg is reading my FB chats. My cousin and I are all over that shit. We like to talk about him and call him names while chatting on FB. Not because we care, but because we hope he is narcissistic enough to have his name flagged so that any time his name is mentioned, he gets to read the reference. Oh Zuckerberg (for the record, I still need to watch The Social Network.)

It isn't like I have a whole lot to hide. I don't have a bunch of deep dark secrets. It's the not having control over the aspects of my life that certain people know. Of course it comes back to control. Thinking about all my private stuff out there for everyone to know... it makes me feel... unsettled.

Now back to my Skype...

Shemar can be involved in my
personal business anytime he wants.

"In the criminal justice system, sexually based offenses are considered especially heinous. In New York City, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious felonies are members of an elite squad, known as the Special Victims Unit. These are their stories."

Friends are creative.

When working with kids in JJS, one HAS to have a sense of humor. If you don't you will want to quit every hour of every shift, or just freak out, or choke someone out, or go to your car and cry. In order to help the working conditions to be more pleasurable, staff frequently come up with creative ideas. Here is one such idea sent to me in a text from a friend that I met while working JJS in Ogden.

"They have one of my favorite kids there now. He's the one that I told him he should rhyme all day and he did and it was amazing. 11 minutes into it Barry said "what the f*** is wrong with you emily?". I laughed really hard. That day consisted of a lot of "thanks em, you're a gem". How can that be bad? Or "please open the door so I don't poo on the floor". Fact-it never got old."

If I had been there, I would have laughed at each rhyme. I do not believe that would ever get old me to either! Just like it never got old having the kids make fun of the staff as they lifted weights. Always funny...