Friends are good guessers.

Back story: This friend was told, "You will never guess what I agreed to..."

"Perform a tap dance nude for money, for [ridiculous male friend.]"

That is not hot. And for what I have agreed to, I will be fully clothed.

This is what I think of when I think of tap dancing. Go to 0:30 if you don't want to watch the whole video...but I don't know why you wouldn't want to watch the whole magical thing.

I need a tuxedo leotard with tails...NEED!

Nice to meet you.

There are times when I have experiences that are epic. I am more of an introvert with moments of feeling outgoing. I rarely engage in conversations with strangers. I have decided that I am going to pump this up a notch because I met Steve. Oh Steve.

My sister Ashlee, her 6 month old Brando, and I were on our way to Cuba, New Mexico for my fabulous friend's wedding. While at a pit stop in Flagstaff, Arizona I met Steve. Steve is employed at this particular gas station and is extremely friendly and helpful. Steve is what some of us may call an "over sharer." And I was NOT sad about it. After successfully disengaging myself from conversation with Steve, I switched places with the sister. I stayed out at the car with the baby, and she went to use the facilities and peruse the store. I made no mention of Steve. Ashlee was gone 5 minutes or so. I could tell by the look on her face as she walked towards me that she had also met Steve the talker. Ashlee walked to me and said, "Go ahead...ask me anything about Steve." I nodded my head.

As we complied our information a few things became very clear.

1. He thought we were a lesbian couple until the term "sister" was mentioned.

2. I was introduced to "Party Steve" where Ashlee was introduced to "Serious Steve"

3. We both fell a little bit in love with Steve the amusing gas station attendant.

The following is the combined list of things we now know about Steve:

• Works at the Shell Station in Flagstaff, AZ.
• 58 years old.
• From Long Beach, CA.
• Frequented Seal Beach Main Street, especially for the St. Patrick's Day celebration.
• Lived a quarter of a mile away from Wilson High School.
• Graduated from Wilson High School in 1971.
• First visit to Flagstaff was in '71 and he was amazed by all the trees.
• 40 year high school reunion is this summer.
• Will not be attending the reunion because no one will be impressed that he is a gas station attendant. The "Soshys in high school will be the soshys now."
• Steve likes shortbread cookies.
• Son, age 14, has Cerebral Palsy. This was caused by the umbilical cord being wrapped around his neck.
• Wife moved he and his son to Arizona.
• Son has a G-tube and is in a wheelchair.
• Son will be attending high school next year. Steve is very proud.
• Son is on a regimen of fish oil. "You know, if there is a wives tale about it, there's a little truth."
• Steve is a Jerry Brown Democrat
• Can list the blue pockets in AZ and "the rest is red. They are all haters."
• Won't consider himself from AZ because it is "full of haters." He considers himself a Californian.
• Believes the Jerry Brown attack ad against Whitman was genius and won it for him.
• Steve has trouble with his attention span and short term memory.
• His excuse for his lacking memory is in his wallet. A medical marijuana card. He proved it.
• Steve doesn't drink as much as he used to. Why would he with that card in hand?

This was all in less than 10 minutes, including our transition times. Delightful.

Our one regret was not snapping a picture of our new friend, Steve.

PS I dare you to go onto my sister's Facebook fan page and "LIKE" her photography business. She is fantastic.

I am a busy bee.

Sometimes I get busy. Deal with it. Sometimes I drive for 13-14 hours to other states. There are times I get my kicks parallel to Route 66. Sometimes I go places that are kind of in the middle of no where. Sometimes I end up in locations with very little phone service and even less internet access. I am going to say it... Sometimes I am too busy to post on this blog. It is called a life, and I have one. (Well, kinda. I did last week anyway.)

Friends are truthful.

First of all I would like to say that while my phone is amazing and I cannot believe I live in a world where I carry the internet around in my pocket, it also cramps my style at times. ALL of my texts were randomly deleted again. This is the 3rd time in 2 months. Irritating to the max when I am trying to share my most amusing text with y'all.

I KNOW that one person certainly won for most inappropriate text (in both quality and quantity.) However, I am not likely to post those here. They did make me laugh though...and then I thought about them later...and laughed again.


That being said, here is the funniest text I received in the last 48 hours.

"Give me some chubby unworthy people to hang with and I'm good!!!!"

Followed by,

"Sinners are just more fun...."

Don't I know it.

Girl's got skills.

Today I recalled one of my greatest talents. I learned it growing up. My sister read about people who do this (I think it was in regards to dysfunctional families. Hahahaha) and was struck with how amazing I am. I do it on purpose, and I do it on accident. It is like second nature to me. It is a talent that has actually become a crutch and hindered me some. But I believe it has served me more than hurt me.

I can disappear. I can be in a room full of people, and I can disappear. I can be in a room with a few people, and I can disappear. I can be at a party, gone. A classroom or training, gone. I can be with friends or family, disappeared. I can be in a room with only 1 person, we can have an hour long conversation and you will know very little about me, but I know your life story... as you walk away you realize that it was almost like I wasn't there. I am not talking about a trick. "A trick is something a whore does for money." I do not mean that I literally disappear like Gob making the Bluth family's yacht disappear. It's an illusion.

I, Jaime Boots, can blend in and go unnoticed. I am so good at it, that I fear talking about it thus people start to notice me more when I am present. I feel like there are times it has become my default response, and I only want to resort to this when doing it on purpose, not to simply check out. I feel it can serve it's purpose when controlled.

I have so many examples from my life when I have done this. Here is one that is easy to describe and doesn't throw anyone under the bus. I went to a certain church for 3 years. There was copious amounts of turn over. Some people in and some out. It is inevitable in a college town. However, there were quite a few people who remained constant over the years. Many people use church as a social scene. I have never done this. Many single people are constantly looking around for possible people to date. They hang out with fellow church members even when it is not church related. This is something I rarely do. I do not have a desire to make church my social scene. I want some spiritual lessons, and then I like to bail. I was moving to another area. It was my last Sunday in this specific ward. The man who, every Sunday, sat in front of the congregation and counted people. He tallied the numbers for the church records. The man that was up in the front looking at the congregation every single week for years, asked me, "So...are you new?" I laughed. I laughed hard. I had to brace myself on a table because the ridiculousness of this question was so amazing. So, yeah, I can blend in.

I wonder if there are others who have noticed this about me.

Wait...maybe it isn't that I can blend in...maybe it is that I am just way average and forgettable... Nah that can't be it. I am JAIME F***ING BOOTS!

I LOVE Arrested Development...the show, not actual arrested development.

I would like to point out that there is another version that ends in, "Or candy..."

Friends are boss.

This describes how I feel every time people don't do what I tell/dare them to do.

"Weak. People need to be more reckless and succumb more to peer pressure."

Agreed.
Dumb asses.

These are their stories.

Do you ever watch Law and Order, Criminal Minds (Mmmmmm Shemar Moore) or other crime solving shows and think about what would happen if you died or went missing? I think about it all the time. I think about strangers going through all of my stuff. Detectives reading my journals (some of which need to be BURNED, by the way.) I imagine the cavalry rifling through my belongings and analyzing what they find. I literally just shuddered, but then I laughed because I imagined officers in my room, on horseback, looking at my stuff.

In this electronic age there are numerous modes of media where my life can be tracked. For example, all of the death threats I text to my friends. (Calm down, they threaten me to...) There are the pointless gmail chats that I have. Imagine family members knowing about all the junk I write on the internet. People reading my Skype chats. (What if the video is recorded and stored? Oh Gah!) And there are oh so many Facebook chats. I know Mark Zuckerberg is reading my FB chats. My cousin and I are all over that shit. We like to talk about him and call him names while chatting on FB. Not because we care, but because we hope he is narcissistic enough to have his name flagged so that any time his name is mentioned, he gets to read the reference. Oh Zuckerberg (for the record, I still need to watch The Social Network.)

It isn't like I have a whole lot to hide. I don't have a bunch of deep dark secrets. It's the not having control over the aspects of my life that certain people know. Of course it comes back to control. Thinking about all my private stuff out there for everyone to know... it makes me feel... unsettled.

Now back to my Skype...

Shemar can be involved in my
personal business anytime he wants.

"In the criminal justice system, sexually based offenses are considered especially heinous. In New York City, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious felonies are members of an elite squad, known as the Special Victims Unit. These are their stories."

Friends are creative.

When working with kids in JJS, one HAS to have a sense of humor. If you don't you will want to quit every hour of every shift, or just freak out, or choke someone out, or go to your car and cry. In order to help the working conditions to be more pleasurable, staff frequently come up with creative ideas. Here is one such idea sent to me in a text from a friend that I met while working JJS in Ogden.

"They have one of my favorite kids there now. He's the one that I told him he should rhyme all day and he did and it was amazing. 11 minutes into it Barry said "what the f*** is wrong with you emily?". I laughed really hard. That day consisted of a lot of "thanks em, you're a gem". How can that be bad? Or "please open the door so I don't poo on the floor". Fact-it never got old."

If I had been there, I would have laughed at each rhyme. I do not believe that would ever get old me to either! Just like it never got old having the kids make fun of the staff as they lifted weights. Always funny...

I am so strong.

I had the bright idea to call Crossfit and get the 411 on my local chapter. I talked with a man named Nick. He was fantastic and answered all of my questions. We discussed Crossfit and how the people in each gym become a tight knit community. This is one of the reasons Crossfit appeals to me. To have friends that actually live near me. To have friends where we do something other than eat at social gatherings. I believe Nick's direct quote regarding the community and everyone supporting one another was, "I don't like assholes at my gym." For this reason I decided to go to Crossfit and do a trial class. And it's Crossfit, so there is guaranteed eye candy potential. That never hurts any situation.

image found at cccrossfit.com

I went to the Crossfit gym. Nick was super cool and explained the philosophy of Crossfit. He talked about how his gym works. He had me do some simple moves to make sure I was doing them correctly. (Squats, push ups, ring rows...) Nothing like doing exercises while a stranger critiques you. Actually, I didn't feel self conscious as all. All was great. I didn't require massive amounts of form fixing. I am really good at following directions.

Nick had me do a short workout, and he timed me. It involved running, squats, push ups, and jumping. Running...I got this. I can run. I have done this millions of time. No big deal. Squats... keep good form in mind, no problem. I can do the amount of squats required. Push ups...how I loathe thee. I suck at push ups. I realize that because push ups are difficult for me, I should do them more often in order to improve. This is an even more difficult mental game to play. Oh push ups... there was a time (about a year ago) when I could rock out 2o-25 push ups in a row. It's like our moms were right when they said that we need to do to improve and that practice makes perfect. I hate it when our moms are right. Squat jumps... just ask my friend Chrissie how I feel about jumping at the end of a workout. I think I used words like "Hate" and "Murder" and I am sure even more disgusting words of scorn ran through my mind. The squat jumps in this workout were not actually as bad as anticipated. It took me over 9 minutes to do the workout I had been prescribed.

All in all, it wasn't bad. I never thought I was going to die. (But kinda wanted to end my own life on the third round of pushups.) It was difficult and I pushed myself, but it was a familiar feeling. I have pushed myself like this before. I attest this to my many workouts with Chrissie and Gina (my lovely friends in St. George.) Stairs at Dixie, Filthy Fifty, lunging to the max. I love working out with them because I always push myself and I always do my best. It is more difficult to push myself when I am at my parents house working out alone with commentary from the little bro.

Running stairs at Dixie.

Hiking in SG.
**On a side note, I had a funny memory come up while writing this post. I worked for Juvenile Justice Services for 6 years. I loved it. Loved the kids. Loved so many of my coworkers. In one program, we ran a daily group. One of my coworkers was from Mexico and had a pretty thick accent. To make a long story short, he assigned the kids several "sexercises" for them to complete.The rest of us lost it completely. I was having a difficult time keeping the laugh stifled. Hilarious. Once again, the juvenile delinquents and troubled youth were more mature than the staff. Ah well... it was funny. Hahaha sexercises.

Friends are intellectual.

I want everyone to know that I did NOT, in fact, know the answer to the following question that was asked of me via text this week.

"Do you know the author's name who wrote the Twilight series?"

It may be the worst book series ever written...and I did read it. Confessions of a half-ass blogger.

Sometimes I use profanities.

Ok... I swear. As in, I use swear words. As in, I do not do a whole lot of censoring. As in, for the most part, I feel that cursing adds humor to situations. As in, I do not have a testimony about not swearing.

I don't curse like a sailor, but I am no lady (when it come to my language.) I take it down a notch for certain company. It isn't about being something I am not. It is about respecting others and realizing they do not want to hear it (i.e. my mom and some other people's moms.) There are certain words that are just off limits for me because they are a bit to harsh and cross into the vulgar. There is one word that I am worried about adding to my vocabulary. The word itself doesn't offend me. In some contexts I do not appreciate it. In other contexts I am cool with it. And in other contexts, it is totes hilarious to the max. The reason I have not added this word to my repertoire is simply due to fear. My fear is that it would take over. That I would lose all intelligent language and this infamous powerful word would take over. That it would spread into my vocabulary like alien herpes in Roswell, NM (that's right, I just made a SciFi reference.)

Another friend and I have been toying with an idea. To take 1 day and use the profane word in every possible way that can be thought of. In ways that make our sentences completely incoherent and even the speaker isn't sure what is going on. We are super amused by the idea but have not had the lady balls to follow through with it. I have several friends who support my decision to use the notorious word. They want to be there to witness the christening of the word into my vocabulary. They are advocates for this extension of my jargon. This word will not make me sound more profound, adept, or enlightened... but damn...it would be funny. Another friend of mine is hesitant to support me in my use. He has pinned this word as the beginning of his downfall. (That and being an ass the first 29 years of his life.)

I have not made a decision either way quite yet. Feel free to express your opinions. But the decision is mine and mine alone. I am aware of the possible consequences of my actions. I believe one such consequence is me becoming even more awesome than I already am! (I know, you weren't sure it was possible, but one can always improve...)

For your viewing/listening pleasure.

*This post was inspired by a post written by a friend of mine. Honesty really is the best policy. I feel better after sharing. Thank you for the public forum.

Friends are clever.

I developed many talents over my years working with teenagers and their parents. One such talent is knowing how to ask questions. To ask the right questions the right way to get the true answer. I have friends that are working on this quality...

"Are you drunk or high? Or drunk and high?"

No! Are you crazy! Of course not!

The truth?
K HOLE

picture from: http://www.medanku.com/smuggling-drugs-arrested-airport/

Hahaha.

Recycling is good for the environment

I would like to say that I have been productively busy and this is the reason for my lack of posting this week. But this would be a lie. And I am not Erny the Urn. I tell truths! (Love you Eryn...) I have been busy with nonsensical things, but I have been having a grand time. I am doing a bit of recycling today. In 2009 I wrote "25 Random Things" on Facebook. So here it is...recycled and revamped a bit for the blogger.

1. I love to judge things on a scale of 1-10. I define the scale and have people report to me their feelings using a number. Taylor loves me a 100 (or "until the rainbow comes"...depending on his mood.)

2. I crave a good, solid, and entertaining last name. So far my favorites are Boots, Boozer, McCool, Bamey, and I am open to suggestions. The 2 names I am called most frequently are Jaime Boots and Jaime Bamey. Those are good names!!

3. I hurt my neck doing a series of cartwheels while at work. That's right...I was doing cartwheels at work. I have a really good job. If you are going to try doing some gymnastics while at work, I suggest you follow Baugh's example and warm up first. THIS INJURY COMES BACK EVERY OTHER MONTH. I SURE HOPE THOSE KIDS APPRECIATED MY SACRIFICE.

4. I love the steam room at the gym. I do not love naked women doing the bicycle while in the steam room at the gym.

5. When I was in the second grade I had a really scary teacher. She was old and mean. She grabbed me by my arm with her nails once. Another time she pushed me into the chalkboard and the corner of the ledge that holds the chalk ripped my shorts and gave me a huge bruise. She was terrifying. At this time I was so shy (and scared) that my teacher thought I didn't know how to read. She sent me to the special education reading class. While in this class, the special education teacher had me read some things and do some testing. The next day I was taken to the advanced reading and math classes.

6. I have been hit on by a drunk cross dresser.

7. I love to dance. I love to dance with friends or alone. I love to dance at home, clubs, bars, the street, my front porch, I especially love car dancing. Do not confuse loving to dance with being good at dancing. I love the ridiculousness of it all. Dancing for countless hours with Anekins on a cruise. Baugh imitating Salt and Peppa's "Push it" while at a dive bar in Ogden. Car dancing during several road trips to California (Beaver Las Vegas!) Karaoke/Lip Syncing nights at the MIC. Not being able to "get no satisfaction" at Cambridge. Skipping the gym and pumping up the jam in P-town. Dancing is always a good idea. Can I get an "Amen"?

8. I used to HATE my curly hair. I thought it was ridiculous looking and could not figure out why anyone would think it could possibly be cute. I now LOVE my curly hair. I feel the most myself when I let my wild mane fly free.

9. In October 2008 I had 2 important realizations, both of which I had to swallow my pride and admit to Jenessa. 1- I like to dress up for Halloween, and 2- I like to have my nails painted.

10. When I was 9 years old I was sleeping in my bedroom. I woke up and there was a man kneeling by my bed, watching me sleep. It was creepy. To make a long story short, I slept on a mattress on the floor in my parents bedroom for a good 6 or 7 months.

11. My 2009 New Year's resolution is to be able to do the splits. I will make it, and it will be amazing. I DID NOT MAKE THIS GOAL. IT IS STILL A GOAL I INTEND ON ACCOMPLISHING.

12. I am kind of a gamer. I like video games. They can't be all complicated though. I love the classic Mario Brother games. I have been known to become addicted to Dr. Mario and Tetris. There was a period of time where I was slightly addicted to Guitar Hero (but we had borrowed it and I had to cram a lot of play time in while we had it.) I am waiting for my Rock Band kit to come in the mail. When it does, its on! It is on like Donkey Kong! (Which was another game I used to be addicted to.)

13. I believe the best breakfast is candy and diet coke. (I use the term "best" loosely here, maybe I should have said "tastiest" or "healthiest.")

14. I was born in Long Beach, California. This explains why I am so ghetto fabulous.

15. I love, love, love, love to travel. I wish I could do more of it in and out of the country. So far I have gone internationally to Mexico, London, Paris, Biaritz (France), Glascow, Edinburough, Oban (Scotland), and Costa Rica. I HAVE NOW ALSO BEEN TO THE CARIBBEAN AND ALL OVER INDIA

16. I have driven the same car since I was 17 years old. My parents bought it for me and I promised them I would drive it for 10 years. I have fulfilled my promise, but the prism is running strong and I love that car. STILL ROCKIN' THE PRISM!!!

17. I have told dozens of juvenile delinquents that I am a master krumper. Where did I learn it? On the streets.

18. My friend Dan told me once that I flirt with people on accident. He said, "You think you are talking. They think you are flirting." Its true.

19. One time when my mom picked me up from work, I had to change my clothes in the car. Later that evening, my dad said to a bunch of my guy friends, "All I want to know is... how my daughter got so good at getting her clothes on and off in a car." Gotta love the papa J.

20. On a scale of 1-10, 1 being hatred and 10 being lots-o-love, I love my job a 10. I wish everyone could find as much contentment and satisfaction in an occupation. I DID LOVE THAT JOB, AND I LEFT WHILE I STILL LOVED IT. A GIRL'S GOTTA DO WHAT A GIRL'S GOTTA DO!

21. I enjoy interjecting movie/TV quotes into everyday casual conversation. There are some obscure quotes that have been thrown out there at times and I like to see who catches on. A few of my favorites, "Who's Anthony? Who's Anthony? My drummer." "We like her dad!" "Oh Kathy!" "Kill him." And of course the classic, "That's what she said." There are hundreds...Thanks BJ.

22. I thought I had mono once for an entire year...turned out I was just really bored.

23. I appear outgoing and super comfortable in all kinds of social situations. I am actually quite the introvert with moments of feeling outgoing. Chances are that inside I am a bit uncomfortable.

24. I laugh...a lot... and kinda loud. I think a lot of things are funny, and I am amused by simple things. People feel torn between liking it and hating it. On the one hand, they feel like they are starring in a def comedy jam as a headliner. One the other hand, they hang out with other people and find out they are not stand up comedians. But then they call me and I assure them that what they said is, in fact, hilarious.

25. And the twenty fifth random thing about me is... I prefer odd numbers to even numbers. I always have.

2 toilets...1 stall...

Bad news bears.

I regret to inform you that my cell phone has let all of us down this week. I went to write my weekly "Friend Text". I pulled my messages up on my phone. They were not loading. I thought, "Will you give it a second? It has to go to space!" I set the phone aside. After a minute or so I tried restarting my phone. My phone rebooted successfully. I went to my messages to try the process again...all of my messages were gone. Super lame. Lame to the max even! Totes lame to the max. (That is A LOT of lameness.) In this catastrophe I am really trying to focus on the positive things in life. Optimism will get us through this folks. We CAN do this if we support each other through it.

I am envisioning a gem for next week to make up for this one. I sure hope my friends do not disappoint!

In the meantime...

"You non-contributing zero."

I am legitimate.

There are a lot of people out there with letters after their names. Usually it is because they have worked really hard to obtain some sort of a title. They deserve these well earned letters. My dear friend Ane gets to add "M.S., LMFT" after her name. My brother is not a real doctor and gets to have "D.D.S." after his. Maybe one day I may add a Ph.D. to mine (maybe... MAYBE...stop pressuring me!) Soon I will be a certified life coach and can add "C.C." after my name if I so choose. But lately I have been thinking of some letters that should have been added after my name a LONG time ago. I have worked really hard and I think I have earned it.

I am Jaime Boots, B.F.F.


Yeah. Totes legit to the max.

(If I had older pictures on my computer, I could have made this post a lot more embarrassing for a lot more people! And there are more people I would have loved to include, but the pictures of us together are very limited...that just means I have been slacking in the picture taking department. Consider the problem rectified.)

Until next time my lovelies.